Here We Go... Again!

I am so sorry that I've been AWOL for so long. Things have been pretty bad around here, but I'm working hard to set things straight. Please don't take the following as a bunch of whining. I'm trying to figure out the best way to lay it out for you so you can understand without sounding as if it's the end of the world. It's not.But I want to be honest about this stuff, too. Just know that, while these things weigh on me every day, I won't let the bad dominate the good. Sometimes just acting cheerful can help bring up your spirits to where you're no longer acting.

Teaching Children Critical Thinking Skills

"Look at our cool new toy! All the kids love it. See how much fun they're having? YOU could be having this much fun, too, if only you had this toy! Check out this kid... He was playing all by himself until he got this toy. Now, he's got a ton of friends who brought their cool toys over so they could all play together - and they're having a pool party, too! Just beg your parents for the toy and they'll get it for you... if they love you! Only $19.95. Get it NOW!!!"

That's how it starts. When we're young. Commercials have power. Did you ever beg for the toy in the commercial, only to have someone actually buy it for you? If you got the toy, was it nearly as cool as it was made out to be? Did it do all of the cool things the commercial promised? Did it break five minutes after you got it out of the package?

Advertising is amazing, isn't it? I remember when I started to realize that everything I saw or heard on TV wasn't exactly true. It made me feel smart that advertisers couldn't use the power of words and pictures to make me believe everything they said. I learned to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen. I figured out that the statistics that get flashed in front of me may have come from studies of 10 people. Like, "9 out of 10 physicians we asked prefer our brand!"

But, I didn't get the full jist of critical thinking until I took a college course on it. I learned about red herrings and hyperbole. I learned how it's not only advertisers who use this stuff. You need critical thinking skills for everything - politicians, drug companies, and the government are great at getting people to believe them. We're supposed to trust them, right? Why would they lie to us?

I have thought that schools should be required to offer critical thinking classes to all high school students. The more I think about it, though, the more I realize that we cannot trust such a big job to them. They are part of the government! I believe that, if schools were to include critical thinking skill in their curricula, they would do a great job of teaching children to be wary of advertisements. Period. The government relies heavily on our trust in it, so why would it go out of its way to teach entire generations to question authorities of any kind? It could be disastrous to politics.

***Now, before we go any farther: The examples I am going to be using are MY personal beliefs. It doesn't really matter what I believe or what you believe. These are examples. It's the lesson that are important, not the personal political and health topics of the examples. So, if you don't agree with my point-of-view, that's cool. That's not what I'm writing about... OK? Still with me? Good.***

1) Do Your Own Research

Remember a couple of years ago, when governmental health departments were threatening us with possible death from the flu if we didn't go out and get an immunization against it? There was a huge advertising campaign that probably cost billions of dollars that tried every angle known to man to get every man, woman, and child immunized against this killer. I remember one letter I received in the mail from our county health department, after we all should have received our shots. It was pretty creepy and gave me a "BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!" kind of feeling. The letter stated that they knew my children had not been immunized with the flu vaccine and gave me a date and time of when a health department social worker would be at my home to talk with me about why I chose not to give the shot. Or, I could have the kids immunized, get a doctor's note, and mail it to them within two weeks. I was scared to death that they might have the power to take my kids into custody just because I didn't agree to have them immunized. Once the fear ebbed, I came to my senses and did some research, asked questions, and finally called them and told them a visit wasn't necessary. (Thank you, NVIC!) My state allows parents to refuse vaccines based on their philosophical standpoint. The letter was their way of scaring parents into getting the shot. I didn't know it at the time, but my friend received the same letter. She had her kids to the doctor the next day - she was sure her kids were headed to foster homes if she didn't do what she was told.

Now, I'm not writing about anyone's personal decision of whether to immunize or not - I just wanted to show you an example of how the government can cause panic by not giving you all of the facts. Nowhere did my letter tell me my rights. I now know that I could have thrown the thing out, let the worker show up at my door, and refuse him or her entry. There's nothing they could have done.

2) Question Authority

As parents, we need to step up and teach our children to question authority. They have a right to ask questions. Even the basic laws we have, in our homes or in our government, should be questioned. Laws are basically a way to keep peace in society. (Yes, I know. Nowadays, laws are more than that, but let's go into that another time.) There are laws about how to act when you drive a car. These are laws that keep us safe: Stop at red lights, drive at or below the speed limit, the car on the right has the right-of-way. A child might question one of these laws: Well, why do we have to stop just because the light turned red? If we didn't stop at red lights, people would go whenever they want and two cars going in different directions could crash. You can also teach kids that laws are a kind of set of rules for manners: You stop at red lights to give drivers going in the opposite direction a turn. I don't want my children to act like blindfolded sheep, just following along with the herd. The more questions they get answers to, the more they learn.

I know that I was safe from being charged with any kind of neglect for not having my kids immunized because I didn't just believe what they told me. I looked for my own answers. It's great to answer any questions that young children have, but it's even better to show them how to find the answers on their own! When my oldest was still being homeschooled, I used to carry a pen and a pad of paper with me. Whenever he had an authority-questioning inquiry, I wrote it down. This was back before the days of using the Internet to find all of your answers, so we visited the library once a week. I showed him how to look for books using the card catalog (yes, before computerized library systems, too!) Many times, we found ourselves in the law section of the library. But we also visited biology, physics, sociology, and reference. He learned how to find answers to his questions.

At the beginning of the school year this year, he came home pretty upset. One of his instructors was teaching the class that our Congress-persons were in Washington D.C. as representatives of the people who elected them. These representatives made decisions based on the needs of those people. My son's says he shook his head (now, my thinking is he probably made a snide comment to a classmate...) The teacher asked him to stand up and say what his problem with the lesson was. Now, he thought this was really cool - high school is a meeting of the minds! He told the teacher his basic understanding was that big companies usually told the representative what to think. (Now, whatever your opinion on this subject is is fine with me. This is my belief and I have explained my belief to my son who then adopted it as his own. For the purposes of the story, the table could have been turned and the teacher was telling the students about lobbyists and my son was on the other end of the argument. It really doesn't matter to the outcome.) The teacher asked him to gather his things leave the classroom. No explanation. Didn't send him to the office. Nothing. He stood in the hallway until class was over. He was confused, afraid, and angry. He had questioned authority and even gave his reason for questioning and was tossed out of class for it. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong and neither did I.

Now, I'll leave the rest of the story for another time because it really has nothing to do with my post. What it does show is that, when we begin to question authority, we're bound to run into those who are afraid of our questions. We need to prepare our children for this - something I neglected to to for my son. I'm remedying the situation right now. He needs to know that questions are OK to ask, whether the response is appropriate or not is another thing entirely. When he questioned the teacher's lesson, she didn't know how to cope with the challenge, so she reacted inappropriately. He now knows that he has the right to ask - no one can take that from him just because he's a kid! An improper response is just that - improper. He's not responsible for that part of it. And, if he should end up in trouble for asking a question, I'll stand behind him. Incidentally, I've also taught him the difference between questioning authority for a legitimate reason and doing it just to make trouble.

3) See For Yourself

Back to that cool toy. I think the only way to convince kids that commercials are not telling them the whole truth is to show them. Buy your kid the "must have it" toy once in a while, if you can afford it. Here's how I did it with my oldest (still working on this with Little Guy.) He saw the commercial and just had to have it. And the darn commercial was on every single time we turned on the TV. The toy was in every ad insert in our Sunday newspaper. He saw it in the stores when we went out. He constantly begged for it. I got sick of hearing about it, so I decided that I'd try something other than ignoring the pleas. Whenever the commercial came on, I'd sit with him and watch it. I'd ask him questions: Do you really think that thing can fly that high? Does it really walk all on it's own? Wow - I wonder if that kid's friends are playing with him because they like him or the toy more. Do you think that mom would love her kid any less if she didn't buy that for him? Do you know that I have go away to work for three hours just to make enough money to buy that one toy? On and on. I asked one, maybe two, questions each time the stupid commercial came on. We talked about the answers. He still wanted the toy. So, I bought it for him for his birthday. He was so excited... then heartbroken. It was not nearly how he thought it would be. It broke the next day while he was trying to make it do something he saw it doing in the commercial. We talked about it. I asked all the questions again, this time he had the answers down. He knew.

The one experience didn't teach him to be wary of commercials. Soon there was another must-have toy and we went through the same things. I think we had about a year, between the ages of four and five, where the cycle repeated about four times. After that, he started asking himself the questions. To this day, there are still times when he comes across something he really wants. But, usually, it's because he's done his research and still wants it. And, usually, the thing ends up being true-to-life. He doesn't get caught up in all of the promises that ads make. In fact, I'd have to say that he's onto them even faster than me! Now, when a commercial comes on TV and we're watching together, we play a game of pointing out all of the crazy claims that they make. He loves being smarter than the advertising pros!



Do you have any advice on how to teach children critical thinking? Please share them. I think that Little Guy is going to be harder than my oldest was to teach these skills...

Mindful Parenting Collaboration - Topic 5: Take Care of YOU!

If you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

Now, here's a topic that I can't stand to deal with. Yes, I know. This is one of those pieces of advice that everyone gives, yet no one seems to actually take. How in the world am I supposed to find time to do what I want when I have to take care of all of these people and make sure the house is clean, too?! Wanting to do my own thing just feels too... indulgent. Until recently.

You see, I've been becoming increasingly resentful toward my husband and sons. They constantly ask me for things, even expect them to be done, and I don't get much reciprocity in return. Christmas was the breaking point for me. I had so looked forward to the holiday. Planned lots of fun things to do, had high hopes for getting a chance to bake and craft, and wanted this to just be a great time of excitement for the kids. But it was all a struggle. Now, I'm not going to say I took on too much or expected too much from everyone. I asked my husband and oldest to PLEASE take turns hanging out with Little Guy for one hour a day so I could do my own thing, which was essentially to "make" Christmas for them. It worked for about a week, then they were too busy (watching TV, eating, and playing games on the computer) to help. "Why don't you just wait until he's taking a nap?" And the resentment wasn't just aimed at my ungrateful hubby and teen. Little Guy, who loved helping me in the kitchen just a few weeks earlier, decided that he was bored with it all and preferred to run like a heathen through the kitchen, grabbing everything he could reach and throwing down the stairs. So, yes, I was not too keen on his "help", either.

All of this resentment came to a head on New Year's Day. I woke up in a great mood. New year, new outlook, let's start fresh, blah, blah, blah... My oldest woke up and very snottily informed me that we were out of milk, as if it was MY fault and MY sole responsibility to get more. Little Guy, upon hearing of the milk situation, demanded warm milk and honey to drink. The demands became ear-piercing screams because my oldest (who is very lucky I didn't decide that my no-spanking policy was shit) was holding the empty milk jug in Little Guy's face, saying in a cheeky tone, "What's wrong with you? Are you STUPID? There IS no milk! Mom didn't get us any!" That's when hubby came out. "Will you guys keep it down? I can't hear the TV." He decided to go take a shower (which I hadn't gotten a chance to take in a week, by the way, because no one would hang out with Little Guy - he needs to be paid attention to while he's sleeping, too, because he tends to wake up and be very stealthy!)

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! 

I AM SO GODDAMN SICK AND TIRED OF 

YOU PEOPLE BEING HELPLESS IDIOTS. 

OLDEST - GO TO THE F***ING STORE AND 

BUY SOME F***ING MILK!!! 

LITTLE GUY, JUST F***ING DEAL WITH 

THE FACT THAT THERE'S NO MILK. 

AND, HUBBY, IF EVEN ONE DROP OF WATER 

TOUCHES YOUR BODY BEFORE I GET A SHOWER,

YOU'LL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE -

WHICH WILL NOT BE VERY LONG!!!!!"

You could hear a pin drop. They all stared blankly at me. I pointed at my oldest and he RAN into the bedroom to change his clothes for his trip to the store. My husband jumped at the teen's movement and ran to pick up Little Guy. He got him some hot tea to satisfy him until the milk showed up. Little Guy did the best thing of the three of them: He ran over and gave me a big hug and said, "Sorry, Mama." I took my shower and felt 100% better... physically. I apologized to my family and they all looked at the floor guiltily. They "got" why I flipped out.

Now, I told you this because this could happen to you if you do not take time for yourself. You can become burned out, miserable, resentful, and may even begin to wonder if you really want to be "mommy" and "honey" to these people you live with. You slowly forget who you are, what you want out of life, what makes you happy. You're there to please others. Period.

So, this week, I suggest you try to remember who you were before hubby and the kids. What did you expect you'd be doing at your age? What kind of things do you enjoy doing? Do not make a list of things that you need/want to do around the house. It doesn't count. Make a dream list. Next, see if any of those things on your list could be modified to fit into your life right now. I expected to be an artist. While I have neither the money for supplies, nor the time to devote to this, I can take a little time each week to just create... Pinterest, here I come! Next, make yourself a list of realistic things you'd like for yourself. These could be as simple as "Take an hour-long bath." or "Give myself a pedicure." Nothing that takes a huge amount of time or money. Do one each day. Yes - each day.

Love on yourself. If it makes you feel guilty, think of it this way: You want to be a mindful parent, right? In order to be a mindful of others, you need to practice on yourself. I was angry at my family. Looking back to the weeks before my New Year's Day Fireworks, I was not treating my family mindfully. Heck, I was not treating them well at all. I did all the things I was supposed to do, but there was no smile on my face or love in my heart while I was doing them. I fought for every second of time to be able to do those things and, by the time I actually got that time, I was ticked off at my family.

This week, I will make sure to take time for me. Creatively, physically, and emotionally. In fact, I've already started tonight. But, I'll wait until next week to tell you about it!

I'd like to invite you to link any posts you have written on the topic of being mindful of yourself in the linky below. I'd love to hear your ideas and thoughts on this subject. I really need all the help I can get - I do not ever want to feel that way I did about the most important people in the world, nor do I want them to ever witness the explosion from me the way they did first thing in the morning on the first day of 2012!

Get Your Own CODE for This Linky

We're in This Together (Mindful Parenting Collaboration}

Mindful Parenting Collaboration - Topic 4: Partners in Parenting

If you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

I know I keep saying this, but this topic is a really tough one for me to write about.Way back in June, I wrote THIS POST about some of the problems I was encountering at the time. The fifth one is about some problems between my husband and myself. They've gotten better and then worse, back and forth, since then. Our relationship is a mess right now and it's not going to be an easy fix. Most people, if I were to give them the entire story, would have told me to get the hell out a long time ago. But, in my opinion, this is one of the problems with society today: If it's broke, throw it away and get a new one. Well, I won't throw out a broken vacuum cleaner without trying every possible way I can think of to fix it and I'm not going to do that with my marriage.

However, this "broken" relationship makes parenting as partners really tough. Over the past year or so, I've slowly taken over all aspects of the role of "parent". My husband has become the teenage roommate who happens to share our space. He is a fun companion for the kids... when he feels like spending some time with them. He doesn't regularly enforce rules, he allows Little Guy to manipulate him into giving him whatever he wants. This will go on for 10 minutes to an hour until my hubby just boils over and starts yelling and threatening to spank. Not cool with me at all. Especially after he's gotten the kid all wired up and made him think that he rules all. It literally goes from "Super Crazy Fun Time" to "I've Had it!!!" in seconds. There are lots more things I could while about on the subject, but I think you might get the idea.

I don't yell at my husband. I wait until they're asleep before I attempt to confront any situations from earlier that day that I think need discussing. The spanking issue is a hot button around here. He never spanked his older kids. It's one of the things that attracted me to the guy. But now, rather than actually working at figuring out why the behavior from Little Guy is defiant, he would rather just jump to threatening to hit him. His reason for thinking spanking this child is because, "... he's just like I was as a kid and I know how to handle a kid like that." Um... yeah. So spanking kept you from starting your "career" as a drug addict at 11 years old? Spanking kept you from burning down a neighbor's house 'just because' at 13? Spanking kept you from running away from home at 15? I can go on, but you get the picture here, too, right? Anyway, that's the biggest issue we have in the parenting arena.

There are others. I really would like him to be more consistent with the time he spends with the kids. One day, he'll hang out with the family all day long. Then, there might be an entire week where he's so wrapped up in himself that he won't even bother to look at the kids. I know some of this has to do with pain. I can be understanding when he hurts so badly that he just can't concentrate on the kids. But, I really think that most of it has to do with him not feeling like it.

So, I talk to him when the kids aren't awake. I explain my reasons for how I would like the kids raised. I listen to what he has to say. Our conversations don't (usually) get out of hand and to the bitching, nagging, or yelling stage. By the time we're done, he will usually agree that he needs to work more on being consistent, not giving in to puppy dog eyes and tantrums, being around on a regular basis, etc. We'll make a plan of action so he can ease into this more easily and so the kids can get used to the changes, too. It'll work for a week or so, then it becomes too much work and he goes back to the old way of "parenting".

This past week, I followed Erin's advice of what to work on in my relationship. I'm going to have to do this more often because I'm just not sure how it's going to work out over a long period of time. The first thing she asked that we do for the topic "Partners in Parenting" was figure out what your relationship needs most and work on that one thing. The next step was to take a day and put my partner first for the entire day. They both kind of backfired on me. I think that the change in me might have confused hubby some, so I'll keep this up and see if it doesn't get better.

I think that our relationship, as a married couple and not parents, is honesty. I don't lie to my husband, but I will withhold information if it makes me "right" and him "wrong". That's a deception, too. So, I flat out told him what I was up to. I explained that I think we both need to be 100% honest about our feelings, actions, thoughts... everything. Yes, it might sting a little to hear certain things from one another, but it's important to share them rather than bottle them up. And, we're in this together: this marriage, this parenting thing, this LIFE. We have to be able to trust one another above anyone else in the world! I told him that, rather than trying to find the lie in everything he says (I swear, he lies and doesn't even have a reason except to "see if I can get away with it"), I'm going to trust that he's being honest. I do it with my kids, why not him? Well, he's been lying like crazy about all kinds of stupid things since. I think he, just like a child, is testing to see if I'll fall back into second-guessing everything he says. To see if I'll still love him even if he lies. So, it's not been all that great. I hate being lied to - it makes me feel as if I am not valuable as a person to the one who's lying. I really hope his little testing phase will be over soon...

As for the putting your partner first for the entire day... Ha! He's suspicious. Asking if he'd like me to make him a snack rather than just leaving him to do it kind of freaked him out a little. Seeing that he was having computer problems, I offered to help. I usually let him deal on his own - that man can download 1,00 viruses in five minutes flat - because it always, always, always takes hours to fix his mistakes... and he always claims he wasn't doing anything but reading his Facebook news feed. I offered to help, then didn't get frustrated with him for screwing it up so badly, as I usually do. I asked him if he wanted a back rub when he complained about it hurting. Once he got used to the idea that I was trying to be nice and think of his needs, he started to take advantage... just like a child would. He was asking me to hand him the phone that was ringing and sitting 1 foot away from him. He asked me to do all kinds of silly little things that he didn't need help with just to see if I'd do them. It was really annoying and, when I was busy with Little Guy, I had to tell him to do it himself. But I did try to put him before myself. I can't do this everyday, but I will revisit this again, whenever I can. My theory is that he'll eventually stop taking advantage. Then, maybe he'll even reciprocate. That's how a marriage should be, right?

So, while there really is not conclusion to this topic for me right now, I will continue working at it. I think that, once we can get our relationship with each other going in the right direction, we can work on the parenting aspect. For now, I can accept being the parent. Oh, and my kids will never hear me bad-mouthing my husband. They will, however, hear and see me trying my best to treat him with respect. It's important, not only to them, but to our entire family.

The We Do Listen Foundation {#Giveaway (12/5) US & Can}

I've wanted to write up this post for over a week, but just couldn't find the time. Yeah, I could have done a quickie post... But I think The We Do Listen Foundation deserves more than that. This non-profit's mission is to help children learn to communicate their emotions effectively and find their own inner peace (how cool is that?!)

So, how do they do this? Check out the We Do Listen Foundation Web site. There, you will find FREE animated books, songs, posters and non-violent games. Additionally, the foundation sells nine Howard B. Wigglebottom books. The books are pretty darn great! Each one is focused on a subject that is important to children's personal growth, self-love, and general emotional well-being. Some of the topics covered in the books include: listening to what others have to say, bullying, anger management, divorce, peer pressure, and the need to belong. I received a book on the last subject for this review, and I love it!

My oldest was always pretty happy with himself. That is, until he decided to go to "real" school. The first month was pretty hard for him. His dad had cancer and was pretty sick at the time, so I attributed his quiet, withdrawn behavior to that. Then, I received a call from his teacher. It seems that he had started to make up unbelievable stories about himself - things he had done, toys he owned, people he knew, etc. - and the other kids knew that he was lying, the stories were just too amazing to be true. He wanted them to like him and thought this was the way to do it. After a long talk about listening to his own heart and being himself, then reassuring him that he would find friends who liked him just for who he really was, he managed to get past this huge speed bump. Within another month, he was one of the most popular kids in the class due to his empathetic nature (oh, and he was "totally cool" because he could draw neat pictures, too! LOL)

I really believe that the Howard B. Wigglebottom books, games, songs, and lesson plans would have prepared my oldest for his first taste of "I'm better than you because I _(fill in the blank)_" that seems to run rampant in classrooms.  In the book Howard B. Wigglebottom Listens to His Heart, written by Howard Binkow and illustrated by Susan F, Cornelison, Howard (a cute bunny who has the same feelings and makes the same mistakes that most children do) wants desperately to fit in. When his classmates laugh at him when they see him doing his very favorite thing, he vows to never do it again. Instead, he tries doing all sorts of other things that he thinks will make the other kids view him as being "cool".He screws them all up... miserably. He has a talk with his grandfather about the troubles he's having and, without telling him what to do, Grandpa steers Howard in the right direction. In the end, Howard is once again caught doing his favorite thing but, this time, he is cheered for it!

I am so glad to have this book for Little Guy. He's pretty self-confident right now, but you just never know when that confidence will crumble. It happened to my oldest! I've also been taking Little Guy to the Foundation's Web site to watch the animated versions of all of the Howard B. Wigglebottom books, play games, and learn new (catchy) songs. I've also taken some time to read over the lesson plans. There are some really great ideas in them! I think that, at three years old, it's the perfect time to introduce him to these concepts. Although I don't intend for Little Guy to go to school (he's 100% the unschooling type!), he'll still be around other children and need to be prepared for the inevitable.

I strongly urge you to go check out The We Do Listen Foundation's Web site and then head over to their online store. Right now, for U.S. buyers, all hardcover books are on sale for only $6 each (regularly $15)! And you can buy all 10 books for just $50. In addition to the Foundation's online store, you can find Howard B. Wigglebottom books nearly anywhere books are sold throughout the U.S. and Canada.

So, would you like to WIN your choice of a Howard B. Wigglebottom hardcover book for a special child in your life? Just enter in the Rafflecopter form below!

Forgive and Forget? {Mindful Parenting Collaboration}

First, if you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

Once again, I'm way behind! This time, though, it's not been because I've been too busy. No, I've spent quite a bit of time just sitting here, staring at an empty screen. I just don't know what to wrote about forgiveness. It's a HUGE word with a ton of meaning.

There have been many instances in my life where I've had to forgive. I think that's true for everyone. No one goes through life with no one doing something to them - even if it's a tiny little thing. I've had some pretty big problems with people. Sometimes I've been embarrassed, other times I've been hurt. Sometime during my 20's I realized that forgiving those things is the best way to go. Stewing in anger or trying to figure out how to get back at someone only causes stress and an overall bad temperament. Even if you let the issue drop on the outside, but harbor bad feelings inside, it can eat you alive. Letting go is so freeing!

So, "forgive and forget" became my motto. It worked so very well for quite a while. I could easily forgive - even when someone did something mean and nasty on purpose. I just felt sorry for them. I mean, how terrible must one's life be that they feel they must make someone else miserable? But, I learned that the forget part isn't all that great. I've been burnt by the same person for the same reasons repeatedly. There's a line you just have to draw to protect yourself from further abuse.

This is where I have a problem. I look at forgiveness as completely dropping the whole incident. I can't put a relationship straight unless I can start anew with the person. Constantly being on guard against another wave of trouble hampers that relationship. I'm looking inside and trying to figure out how I can do this. It's not easy and I'd love anyone who has figured it out to PLEASE help me! (I'm not talking about silly little things. I can get over those. It's the big ones that rock my life, and sometimes mu family's, that I'm talking about here.)

Now, let's turn to me. I have worked hard to learn how to forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I've made. I used to just treat myself like crap because I didn't think I was good enough for the blessings I had. Then, I realized that those mistakes were important to create who I am now. First, I have learned from them. I know better to do the same stupid junk again. I think that, if I can say I've learned something, then the mistake was probably worth it. Next, I realized that you can't go back and change things. No matter how much guilt I laid upon myself, I could never, ever change the things that happened. If I can't change it, I have to let it go. Guilt can make one feel the way I did - worthless and undeserving. Finally, there are a couple of things that I won't let me forgive myself for. Yep - I said it. I'm not going to tell you what they are, but they're not pretty. I'm waiting patiently until I can right those wrongs. Until then, I just cannot let these go. I will try to fix them, or at least do my best to do so. But until that time arrives, they'll stay in my heart.

I also want to tell you that I think that showing forgiveness is the best way to teach my children how to do the same. I don't want them growing up and carrying guilt around. We talk about hypothetical situations in which their decisions could hurt or help someone. We talk about things that have happened to them that are causing sadness and anger, then we figure out how to forgive. When I make a mistake, I admit it to them. I'm not to pompous and stubborn to make them believe that I'm perfect. Showing them that I'm sorry (not just saying it!) helps them let go and forgive me for screwing up.

Lastly, I need to share the whole "I'm Sorry" thing. I don't make my kids apologize for things. They do it on their own. In this house, "I'm sorry" means "I screwed up and learned from it. I will try my best not to make the same mistake again." I think that children who are forced to apologize without really knowing why and then let off the hook learn that those two magic words erase all wrongdoing. The problem is they don't learn the part about not doing it again. I was raised this way and so was my husband. I learned the difference. He is still learning. When he says "I'm sorry" to me, it is just words. I tell him so. I remind him that he has to show me he's sorry because the words aren't an eraser.

If you've written a post on forgiveness, please add it here. It does not have to be a new post. This is a collaboration and all aspects are welcome. We can learn from each other and help one another on this journey toward more mindful parenting!

If you'd like to add this linky to your own post(s), click HERE to grab the HTML.

(Not Really) My Personal Mission Statement {Mindful Parenting Collaboration}

Note: I’m not going to spill the whole can of beans in this post, so there will be some things left unexplained. If I were to open up and just dump everything, this post would be an eBook and I’d probably send Blogger offline due to the amount of memory it would take. So, the loose ends are there only because there’s just not enough time and space to explore everything I’d like to in this post. Also, I’m going to start off somewhere out of the ballpark, then make a bee-line through left field Stay with me… I’m zeroed in on home plate and will get there!

I’ve had over a week to really concentrate on some of the questions that were asked in The Parenting Passageway’s first Mindful Mothering post. The problem is that, though I write “I” at least a hundred times a day. “I think/believe/feel that …” Yet, when it came time to really examine who I am now, I couldn’t find any definition(s) that were accurate. You see, my husband became physically disabled a few months before Little Guy was born. At the time, I was taking online classes and had a very specific goal in mind: I would earn my degree in education in June of 2011 and start the 2011/2012 school year as either a teacher or a substitute in an elementary classroom. And, up until early this year, all was going as planned.

Then I had to start dropping classes. You see, along with chronic pain that was slowly and steadily increasing, my husband started to have mental problems. I don’t know if it was the constant pain that caused it, maybe the medications that he’d been on (Lyrica is poison – do not ever take the stuff, please!), or (most likely) a combination of the two. I have a good understanding of the reasons behind many of his screwy behaviors, but understanding doesn’t make those behaviors more bearable. He’d be up for days on end, unable to sleep. He’d forget if he took his medications… so he’d take more. He’d wander down the stairs and outside in search of the bathroom at 3am. He’d turn on the oven to make God only knows what and then forget it was on. Then, when he’d finally pass out, he’d have terrible nightmares that would cause him to yell out, hit, push, kick… he’d sleepwalk doing this. Sometimes, these nightmares would wake him after only a couple of hours of sleep and he’d be back up and wandering around. Add the fact that he has problems with his bones that cause severe throbbing pain that is barely touched by pain medications and rubs. Now, he’s wandering around - sometimes banging into things, sometimes trying to carry heavy items – he’d end up hurting himself even more… This is still going on and it’s getting worse by the day, I don’t know why it’s all in past tense. Just go with it for me? (I need to add in here that he's not like this 24/7. He has good days and bad days. Sometimes we get 2-3 good days in a row. Other times, we have hours that are good and some that are bad. I just never, ever know what's coming next.)

Anyway, take the problems with my husband and add a two-year-old with a lot of moxie. Little Guy is not an easy-going kid who lets others make decisions for him. He’s full of self-esteem & pride in his “I do it myself” abilities. He can be very stubborn (got that one from me – my motto was “I’m Always Right” up until just a few years ago!) He feels that if he is physically or cognitively able to do something, then he should always be allowed to do it. He needs to be watched every minute he’s awake. I’m not kidding. I can’t even run to the bathroom to pee without coming back to a child who’s poised on the edge of a bookshelf or covered on black Sharpie. Therefore, everywhere I go, he goes. I have to take showers with him. I tried taking them at night or naptime, when he’s asleep. No – he has a little guy in his ear who yells, “NOW!” over and over until he wakes up. There’s some kind of intuition in him where he just knows.  With my husband wandering around all of the time and Little Guy just waiting for my attention to be diverted, I really need to be on my toes. 

Then there’s my oldest. I really can’t say enough good things about him. He helps me out with Little Guy. He helps keep tabs on hubby. He does his homework (all A’s and B’s!), he on the cross-country team and working hard. However, he’s also a teenage boy. I understand his frustrations, I really do. But this is his family and I need help sometimes when he’d rather sit around doing nothing. He’s never talked back to me; he’ll eventually take out the trash… My problem with him actually lies inside me. I can’t be the mom I want to be to him. He’s relied upon too much for someone his age, yet I can’t do it all by myself. We rarely get one-on-one time, I feel the chasm between us widening, and I panic. But what can I do? 

Now, with all three of these people who I love so dearly needing so much from me, doing anything for myself just became a luxury. I mean, I can’t go to the coffee shop downtown by myself and sip on a latte while reading my favorite book. I haven’t done a girls’ night out (or even “in”) for so long that no one even asks me anymore. The last time I did any artwork for myself was… LOL – I don’t know! I’m not feeling sorry for myself about these things. My family comes before the luxuries. I just don’t even think of my wants anymore. It's not as if I have no happiness. Read my posts – I can look at the good in my family and enjoy it so thoroughly! 

So, I attempted to do my schoolwork late at night. I’d be so tired that my papers looked like something a sixth-grader would write. I’d figure out which assignments were worth the most points and only do those to save myself time and frustration. When I got too far behind, I’d have to drop the class…Finally, it caught up with me. My student financial aid package was so screwed up from all of the drops that, this past month, I was told I’d have to wait at least until next June to take any more classes without having to pay out-of-pocket. We now have no money coming in. I am currently in panic mode. 

Getting a job is out of the question. Without a degree, my education means nothing. I can hope for waiting tables or some other minimum wage job. With earned income, we’ll be cut off Medicaid coverage, meaning my husband WILL die (he has many other health problems that require a doctor’s constant supervision, testing, and medications.) My husband would need to be supervised by someone (?) and I don’t see him agreeing to one of those adult care facilities. Little Guy, who has only had two vaccinations, would need to be “brought up to code” and sent to day care – both of which I am very much against. My oldest would be forced to take even more responsibility and I’d see even less of him. Oh, and after paying for medical bills, day care, and someone to watch hubby, do you think there’s be enough to even buy a single decent meal for my family (I know there wouldn’t be money for rent and utilities!) I’d be working 40+ hours a week while other people (or no one at all) care for my family and for absolutely nothing in the end. (*Check out Bowling for Columbine's part about the little boy who shot a classmate in Flint, MI. The Michigan Works program hasn't changed one bit.]

That’s where I am right now. Trying not to freak out, trying to keep everyone safe AND happy, trying to decide for all four of us what the next step will be. That’s when I realized what my personal mission statement should be. 

PEACE.

Okay, I should explain a little more. I need inner peace. My mind goes around and around. While spinning (yarn) the other night, I managed to find some peace. My thoughts just stopped and I wasn’t anywhere in particular. This is what real meditation is, right? No thinking, just being? Peace = A quiet mind. 

I get very angry with many people. At doctors who just write my husband a prescription for whatever the last drug, rep was selling. At my oldest for begrudgingly slamming the door because I finally lost it and told him to take out the garbage (NOW!) rather than asked him nicely (again… and again…) At Little Guy for running to the computer and opening 1,000 tabs the second I head to the kitchen to get a refill of coffee. And, especially, at my husband for not being my husband – just another (very big) kid that I have to watch over. The last one is very, very hard for me. I get extremely infuriated with him. Sometimes, it just feels as if he acts the way he does because he can. As if he has a license to not take any responsibility for his actions and not even try to change them because a doctor gave him a label: ADHD, memory loss, insomnia, depression, bipolar – pick one, he's been told he's got them all. Oh, and there are more, too. (Just one more reason for me to not care for most doctors!) 

Anyway, this anger builds and builds in me. I usually blow right about the time PMS sets in. I just lose it – I let everything go and no one feels good about anything afterward. I’ve tried to write my thoughts down to just get them out of my head to keep this ferocious wife and mother from surfacing, but it doesn’t help. I need to tell someone about it. I would LOVE to head to a psychologist’s office once a week just to unload my tensions and anxieties. I can’t. Nowhere to put Little Guy and hubby for the hour or so that I’d be gone. I can’t talk to my family about this. Hubby was NOT welcomed into the family when we married to begin with! The news of Little Guy was received with more tsk-tsk’s than smiles. Moreover, these people seem to think that my oldest is a slacker who needs to learn how to be a man. I do not know where to get my Peace from on this one, but it is something that I will think about as often as possible. I know the answer is sitting right in front of me… 

Revenge is toxic. I do not wish to “get even” with those who have done me wrong. It’s just not right. And, hey, there’s always karma to even things up, right? Well, I thought long and hard about karma this past week and have decided to look at it in a different light – the one I believe it was meant to be seen in. You see, saying, “What comes around goes around,” is just another way of feeling vengeance. A person who says this feels good in knowing that the person who has wronged her will end up getting paid back eventually. I don’t want to feel that spiteful. I still believe in karma, but I’m not waiting to see what happens to so-and-so after they’ve treated me badly. Peace = Letting go.

I have a few more peaceful revelations that I’ve come across this past week, but I’m going to close up that can of beans before someone around here knocks it over. I’m going to brainstorm the anger thing… I really feel that if I can get it under control, things will look so much better for all of us. PEACE isn’t going to solve any of my problems – I’m not going to disillusion myself! Nevertheless, it sure will make me strong enough to deal with whatever is coming next. 

Check out the other Mindful Parenting Collaboration posts below and, please, if you’ve written a post about inner work and/or a personal mission statement, I invite you to link it below! Collaboration means group effort – we’d love to hear your opinion on the subject.

PETfection - Review and Extra (Easy) Entry {#MadeInMichigan}

This is a review for one of my sponsors of the Made in Michigan Blog Giveaway Hop, which will take place from October 28 – November 2. I will be offering my readers the chance to win a (Hand)Made in Michigan prize package worth nearly $200! Please take a moment to read about this wonderful Etsy shop and then fill out the Rafflecopter form below for a very easy extra entry into the giveaway.



I have to tell you, I've tried every possible natural solution to the fleas and ticks and NONE have worked. I mean, I went so far as to start making my own cat food so I could add lots of garlic after reading that it's a deterrent to most biting insects. Nada, though I still make the cat food - healthier and way cheaper! I even paid an arm and a leg for some different "natural" solutions that still included chemicals that I can't pronounce and even they didn't work.


We live in a wetlands area and the woods behind our home are a great breeding ground for fleas, ticks, mosquitoes, chiggers... I could go on and on. The woods also have lots of little critters - skunk, raccoons, opossum, squirrels, etc. - all of which my cat LOVES playing with. (Not kidding - he loves the spring, when all of the little babies come out for play time. He's got some very good raccoon friends!) Oh, and here's his favorite place to nap:

In frustration, I finally just bought some of those toxic drops you put on the back of your pet's neck (I think you know what I mean.) Applying that stuff meant our poor kitty, Number 1, was treated... differently for a few weeks. No sleeping on the bed. No getting petted. Under NO circumstances was he allowed near the kids or in the kitchen. I always felt so badly at his confusion. What did I do?! That's when the presents would start. Normally not a killer, he'd try to win out love back by leaving us little "gifts" on the porch: mice, birds, even little baby bunnies.

Enter my newest heroes:

PETfection sent me some Cat Bug Spray to try out - and just in time for the fall round of fleas! The Bug Spray is not an insecticide, rather a prevention. It is non-toxic and 100% organic, containing Peppermint and Geranium Hydrosols to deter the insects from even hitching a ride. It keeps fleas, ticks and mosquitoes away from both Number 1 and my family. Oh, and in addition to keeping the bugs away, it is also great for their skin, balancing the oil production. In the few short weeks we've been using the Cat Bug Spray, Number 1 has completely stopped itching and his fur seems even softer than ever. And I don't know if I can attribute this to the spray or not: The reminder of Number 1's last (stinky) romp with his skunk friend went away after just three days rather than the couple of weeks it normally takes.

I urge you to check out PETfection for any of your pet's needs (and wants, too!) They have their own line of shampoos, sprays, homemade treats, organic toys, and even gift baskets... just about any pet product you can think of. I love that they focus on pet health in this way. I mean, I know there are a lot of people out there who are concerned with their families' ingestion of toxins, but what about pets? Their bodies are so much smaller than humans' and, often, much more sensitive to chemicals and pesticides. If your pet is part of your family, then you really should treat him or her the same. You don't choose inferior snacks for your child because he's smaller, therefore less important. Why should you do so for Fido or Fluffy? I cannot think of a better way to put it, so this is directly from their Web site:

"No chemicals, additives, pesticides, solvents, fillers, or artificial preservatives are used in the cultivation, processing, transportation, or storage of any PETfection product or any of their ingredients."

Oh, and don't think that because PETfection has natural and organic pet products that they charge outrageous prices! Their Puppy Suds, for instance, comes in three sizes: 16oz, 4oz., and 2oz. and prices range from just $13.95 to $3.95 (with a few different scents to choose from). PETfection is based in Grosse Pointe, Michigan (right around the first joint in the "thumb", north of Detroit and on the western shore of Lake St. Claire.) AND, if you have your order shipped to any Michigan address, you will receive FREE SHIPPING - no coupon code needed!!!

You can find PETfection at their Web site, on Etsy (free shipping is only good on orders through their Web site), on Facebook, and on Twitter. 




Disclosure: I received one 2oz. bottle of Cat Bug Spray from PETfection for the purpose of writing this review. I received no other form of compensation. All opinions are my own.

World #Peace Before 2021 {Gotta read this!}

Have you heard of Axil Kollist? If not, you should know about this amazing kid. At the age of six, Axil learned about the horrors of war and the effects that war has on civilians around the world. He wanted to do something, anything, to get the message out that world peace really is attainable. He chose 2021 as his goal for world peace because that is the year that he will turn 21 years old. Think his ideas are too grand to be realized? Consider what he wrote on his Web site, World Peace Before 2021:

"My Mom told me that President John Kennedy set a goal that the USA land a Man on the Moon before 1970. People didn’t think it could be done. But with a lot of hard work, that ‘impossible’ goal was reached. And just in time.. In July of 1969. My goal for World Peace Before 2021 may seem impossible.. But really it isn’t!"

So, how is a kid activist going about spreading his message? The simplest ways imaginable, that's how. On the Web site, you can request a free Bumper Sticker to put on your car (well, ours is on the tote bag I carry around with Little Guy's extra change of clothes, snacks,  and just-in-case bandages!) I've been asked about that sticker more times than I can recall, so merely displaying it somewhere really does help spread the word! He's now 11 years old and has already sent out tens of thousands of these bumper stickers all over the world and currently has them in English, French, and Spanish (you can help him out by going here and translating his message into another language for him!) He's also distributing Buttons to anyone, worldwide, who emails him to request one. You can read about how Axil got started with his distribution in this article about his winning the Little Humanitarian Award in 2007.

And, yet another way that Axil is sharing his message is through song! You can listen to it at the bottom of this post (I can't get the video to move! LOL). It is also embedded on the World Peace before 2021 Web site.

Now, why am I writing about this? Because Axil's mom recently wrote a submission to the Reader's Digest Your Life contest. The winner will receive $25,000, and I can only imagine what he'd be able to do with that money! He needs your votes to win this thing, so please consider heading over and voting for PEACE! HERE is the direct link to the entry.  You will have to have to like Reader's Digest on Facebook to vote (sorry). I already like them, so I didn't have to find out. You can vote once every 24 hours - Voting ends 11/15/2011.

The NCLB & Peer Pressure

As most of you know, my oldest started high school this year. He also joined the cross country team. Because we don't have a car and the park where they train is over 3 miles away, he's been grabbing a ride home with a few of the kids who live near us. Now, when my son started "real" school, he was placed one grade above the grade his age group of lids was in - meaning that he's now 13 years old and attending high school (I am SO GLAD I didn't go with the testing recommendation to jump him TWO years ahead!) What this means is that he's often riding home with 18-year-olds.

Now, I've met most of the members of the cross country team and they're pretty good kids. Most of them are getting good grades, they take care of their bodies, and they're generally pretty moral group. So, when my son came home with his news last night, I was shocked at first. "Mom, I got some peer pressure for the first time today." Oh no! Drugs? Sex? WHAT?! Have I mentioned that my oldest ALWAYS picks the worst possible moment for these kind of talks? I have a hungry, tired little guy screaming about how the color of his crayon isn't the right green (he's got a giant shoe box of crayons - geez!) I'm trying to cook dinner. The phone is ringing. And my lovely husband, who stubbed his toe TWO WEEKS AGO is limping around the house and actually whining (can you say "attention-seeking"?)

I turn off the stove, let the answering machine get the phone call, and direct my husband to gimp into the living room and pull all of the green crayons from the box for little guy - hey, he was just in the way and this way he will have someone to whine at who might listen to his tale of woe*.OK, full attention on the teen... "So, what's up?" He looks at me very seriously. I can tell this is going to be one of those times when I have to keep my head on straight and really think about my next move. The look on his face scared me to death!

"You know the kid I usually ride home with, John?" Yeah... "Well, see there was this assembly at school on Monday." Um, okay... "Well, I know you said I couldn't do it, so I stayed in the library, but John went and..." Wait. What assembly did I say you couldn't go to? "You know, that letter you wrote to the school?"

Aha!

 That letter I wrote was back on the first day of school. You know how they come home with a stack of paper a mile high for parents to sign. They're usually permission to watch films, or pieces of paper promising not to sue if my child becomes lost on a field trip... In little, tiny lettering on the back and in the middle of a list of typical attendance rules that most people give a quick scan and then toss on a pile of papers to look at later, I noticed this:

"The No Child Left Behind Act... requires schools to permit military recruiters to obtain students' contact information and other access to the student, if the school provides that information to universities or employers, unless the students opt out of giving military recruiters access."

 So, I got out my pen and basically write that I do NOT give permission to the school to release my son's information to military recruiters, nor do I give the school permission to send him to a school assembly or any other function where he will be in contact with recruiters. This may seem a little harsh, but 1) I don't want my kid being sent to fight a war over some stupid commodity so the rich can get richer and 2) I've heard how these guys work, at least around here.

A mom I know called me last year about this time, steaming mad. She had just received a letter from the Army letting her know that her 14 year-old pledged to enter the military right after he graduated. She was freaking out! She asked her kid why he would do something like that. Know why? The recruiter were giving out really cool dog tags to everyone who signed up for "more information". Everyone was getting these things and he wanted t have them, too. Plus, he might win a brand new PS3!!! But from the letter my friend had in her hand, it sounded as if there's be a van at their front door the day after graduation to pick the kid up for boot camp. So, you see why it is so important to me that MY kid not be exposed to all of these "promises" of winning cool prizes, seeing the world, and getting a free ride through college.

It turns out that there had been some talk among the kids about the military and getting some cool stuff for signing up for "more information". My son's ride home had thought it over and decided he wanted to go over and sign up and asked my son if he wanted to, also. At first, my son laughed it off. But, when he realized that this boy was serious, he started feeling the pressure. "Why not? Don't you care about our country?" and all of that kind of stuff got thrown at him. My son took the one out I've always told him works: "My mom would kill me!" It worked. This kid understood the pissed-off mom excuse.

So, we've had our first "peer pressure" incident and he came out unscathed. I explained to him why I didn't want him signing anythingI hated the idea. BUT, I wanted him to see what the other kids were doing. It would have been unfair of me to keep him from that just because of my opinions of schools. Turns out it was a good decision for him - he's the type of learner who does well in a classroom. If he wanted to join the military, I'd only want to make sure he knew ALL of the facts and had a good personal reason for wanting to do so. (I can't promise I wouldn't try to talk him out of it, though!)

*Look, the guy has been seen running to catch one of his friends who was pulling out of the parking lot. His toe doesn't hurt that badly. He just realized he was getting to lay around and watch TV and take naps whenever he wanted while I took care of everything else.)

Define Mindfulness

This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Blog Carnival hosted by hosted by Kelly of Becoming Crunchy and Zoie of TouchstoneZ. Participants are writing posts about what mindfulness mean to them. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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It’s funny that Zoie (TouchstoneZ) and Kelly (Becoming Crunchy) would choose this month’s Mindful Mama Blog Carnival topic to be the very one thing that I’ve been mulling over in my mind: What does being mindful mean to you? Now, there are a ton of different angles to answering this question. I’m narrowing it down to three: Define “Mindful”, Being Mindful as a Human Being, and Mindful Parenting. And, since I can’t write short posts about any subject (heck, I can’t even leave Wordless Wednesday posts wordless!), I am going to write three separate posts and take part of this carnival whenever those posts fit into the theme.

What does being mindful mean to you?

When I saw the question popping out of my computer screen, it became clear to me that I had to take a closer look at myself – as a person, as a wife, and as a mother. I’ve not been the peaceful person I want to be, and I must admit that I’ve not even really tried changing. I’ve been following Hybrid Rasta Mama’s posts about her journey through the Mindful Mothering Challenge and really feel that I (and everyone around me) would really benefit if I tried taking part. It’s as if I’ve been waiting for “the right time” or for something to happen in my life that would force me to get up off my lazy butt, quit thinking, and start doing. That’s when I saw that question. It was a sign from the almighty Becoming Crunchy Gods telling me through an email subscription that this was the kick in the pants I was waiting for.

The first step toward becoming a mindful person is finding a definition for what “mindful” is to me. I’ve been mulling the question over in my head for a few days now, jotting down brainstormed ideas, and attempting to form a post or two in my head on the subject. However, being mindful isn’t something that you can just buy a book on and follow the step-by-step instructions to happiness and enlightenment. It’s a habit, a way of life, which you must ease yourself into. You can’t fake mindfulness – it won’t last long. You must truly feel it in your heart and understand it in your mind. I do feel the desire to become mindful and know that this is the path I want to take.

I searched the Web for some kind of guidance. I was lucky to have found the step-by-step guide that I just said doesn’t exist! The Community for Mindful Living follows the “…Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings for Engaged Buddhism of the Order of Interbeing--the Tiep Hien Order." Tiep means ‘in touch with’ and ‘continuing’. Hien means ‘realizing’ and ‘making it here and now’.” As I read over these fourteen “trainings”, I realized that I: 1) completely agree with each one and 2) possess many of the traits that these trainings strive to teach. Now, I just need simple reminders throughout the day that will keep me from having the knee-jerk (and I do mean “jerk”) reactions that I have to occurrences and actions that I have no control over. I yell at the kids a LOT. I get huffy over stupid things like hubby finishing the last of the coffee. I selfishly block out all of the turmoil around me by sitting in front of the computer reading blog posts, checking out Facebook, and entering giveaways. I’ll write more about how I am changing these in my next two posts.

Right now, I want to focus on those fourteen trainings and share my own interpretation of them:

1. Openness – This is me. It took me most of my 20’s to get here, but I am an open person. I have my own opinions of things. Yet, I do not feel that my ideas are the “right” ones – they’re only right ones for me. I do not fault anyone for having the ideas or opinions that they have. The one thing here, for me, is that I feel that some people do not educate themselves and only hold certain opinions because they know someone else with that opinion. I need to work on not trying to educate those people against their wills. It is one thing to hand over information with no strings attached. It’s not being open when I ask the person if they got a chance to go over that information and try to find out if they’ve changed their way of thinking.
2. Non-Attachment from Views – What?! OK, this one goes with the Openness one. The idea is to be willing to hear the views of others (no matter how wrong I may thing they are) and be open-minded enough to try to understand those views. This training is here to remind me that my ideas and opinions are ever-changing and the more I learn about others’ ideas and opinions, the better prepared I will be to accept my changing views.
3. Freedom of Thought – Again, back to the openness thing. This time, it is all about allowing others their own freedom of thought and not trying to coerce others into thinking my way. This one goes for children, partners, friends, and strangers. It is one thing to converse on a subject with someone who thinks differently. It is another to try to change their thinking with a bribe or a threat.
4. Awareness of Suffering – This is going to be a tough one for me. Suffering of any kind is easiest to handle when I just pretend it’s not there. This training asks that I stop shielding myself from suffering of things and people. Sometimes, even, seek it out. Try to feel compassion and empathy, and then try to show the one(s) suffering a path to comfort and joy. I’m still mulling over just how to do this.
5.  Simple, Healthy Living – Hmm… I understand the concept here: Simple living means to only take what I need and not attempt to amass a stockpile while others may be suffering without even their basic needs met. Healthy means to keep my body pure and free of toxins. The first part is going to be a slight adjustment. I need to get rid of a ton of things. Things that I look at every day and feel terrible for having and not using, knowing that there is someone out there in need of it. The healthy part is going to be very tough. I have made many changes in my lifestyle over the years, but I still like a good Twinkie or Pepsi now and then. I live on coffee – I swear it’s the only thing that keeps me alert all day. I’ll work on cutting out the bad stuff and replacing it with good. I know right now that the coffee will not disappear, but there are alternatives that I can replace most of my daily cups with.
6. Dealing with Anger – OK, this is a really, really bad one for me. It is the reason I even began considering the life changes that becoming a more mindful person should bring. I have a quick temper and I’m stubborn. I will spare you all of the details in this post (see the next two) and just say I have a lot of work to do before I can be one who does not respond immediately when anger rises within me.
7. Dwelling Happily in the Present Moment – Sounds perfectly logical. Problem is, I tend to remove myself from the moment by thinking of other things, past and future, that have nothing to do with now. I must find a physical or visual reminder for this one.
8. Community and Communication – I love this one. It has to do with listening and speaking with an open heart. I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will be attentive to your point of view while you are expressing it. I will also share my opinions and beliefs while keeping in mind that you may not feel the same way as I. I really try to practice this and I believe that I am good at it; though, no one is perfect – I need to learn how to not shut down when someone whose ideas are radically different from mine shares his or her thoughts with me.
9. Truthful and Loving Speech – This one is a tough one for me. Being truthful doesn’t just mean not lying, it also means having the story straight and making sure it’s factual before sharing it with others. While I may try to be truthful in all that I say, the loving part is not so easy. I need to remind myself several times a day that the things that come out of my mouth may not seem to be hurtful to me, but they leave a terrible impact on those around me. I tend to slip into negative speech with Little Guy and the Oldest. “No” “Can’t” “Won’t” are all words that I use often. Turning my phrasing around can make all of the difference! This training also reminds us that we must stand up for the truth – even if it means bad things may come to us. Think of all of the heroes we know about who spoke the truth against injustice only to be beaten down or even murdered by the oppressors. The word got out – their messages were hear – and we know this because, even when these events may have taken place centuries ago, we know about them today.
10. Protecting the Sangha – OK, I’m not a Buddhist, so this one seemed a little out there at first. This is directly from The Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings and explains better than I ever could: “Aware that the essence and aim of a Sangha is the practice of understanding and compassion, we are determined not to use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit or transform our community into a political instrument. A spiritual community should, however, take a clear stand against oppression and injustice and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.” What I get from it is that being mindful and compassionate should be done only because it is the right thing to do. This isn’t a way of life for those who will only use it to gain things (whether it’s money, fame, power, or even love.) I really do not anticipate anything from my actions other than inner peace – if I’m lucky!
11. Right Livelihood – This one tells me to make sure that my career is not only something that makes me happy. I need to consider the global impact of my choice: Does this job cause injustice or negative environmental impacts? Also, as a consumer, I must ask the same things. As a mom, I do this everyday – Which brand of dish soap do I buy? What am I teaching my children about waste if I throw out cheese that has a teeny bit of mold on it? May seem silly to some, but these decisions all add up. Not only do they affect myself and my family, but my community (buying local), the economy (buying from “good” companies will take money from the “bad” ones, social institutions (make sure to use companies with good labor practices), the environment (green products with little packaging), etc. And, hopefully, my kids see this stuff as a way of life and grow up into adults who follow my lead!
12. Reverence for Life – This one is about non-violent communication and peaceful demonstration to avoid conflict and war. I’m all for it – war kills, conflict kills. It is important to stand up for what you believe, but physical harm is never a good solution for anyone. It’s funny, my husband and I were talking about war last night. He was a little young for the Vietnam draft, but he and his friends had talked about what would happen if the draft were still in effect when they reached 18. “I’m not running up that hill to try to shoot that guy. I don’t even know him! What did he ever do to me?!” Yeah, that’s the basic thought here. Wars are run by a few men (and women!) who use human beings as pawns in a game of chess in order to gain something (be it land, oil, power.) If all of the pawns were to realize what they were really fighting for and laid down their arms in peaceful protest, things would probably get done more quickly and with less bloodshed. (I know that there is way more to this subject than what I’ve written. I just remembered that this post is about “mindfulness” and not “war”!)
13. Generosity – We don’t have much of anything. This could cause me to say, “But I have nothing to give!” I do – time, a few material things, energy. Generosity can be a simple hug to someone who looks like they’re at the end of their rope. Feeding a stray cat some leftovers. Standing up for a stranger who is obviously being treated unfairly. How many times do people walk past a bad situation saying, “It’s none of my business,” I’ve done it – I’ll admit it. But, recently, I’ve felt the need to help others. I still see the little boy whose spanking was averted due to my speaking up and his mom rarely uses this form of punishment now!
14. Right Conduct – This one has a lot to do with sex. I KNOW!!! It reminds us to be fully aware of the impact that our sexual acts will have. That sex without spiritual love is just a physical act and means nothing. If fact, it’s a selfish act because we are fulfilling only our own desires. It also tells us to keep in mind that sex leads to new people. We must fully realize the responsibilities of bringing a new baby into the world and be willing to accept it. Quite a lot of thinking to do before “doing it” with your partner, but also very important!

Well, there you have it – how I feel being mindful will and can apply to my life. There is a lot to remember here, so I’m going to start out by making little lists of these Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings and hang them all over the house. I'm a visual person and these will help me remember!  Next, I’m going to join Hybrid Rasta Mama and attempt to take on the Mindful Mothering Challenge. I’ve found that The Parenting Passageway started this challenge as “20 Days Toward More Mindful Mothering” I’m not going to attempt to do it in 20 days, but I’ll get through just fine and, hopefully, I’ll be able to write semi-regular blog posts about it!

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Visit the Mindful Mama Blog Carnival Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• An Alternative Approach to Parenting Mindfully Through Present Moment Awareness Amy at Peace 4 Parents offers an experience of present moment awareness as a pathway to mindful parenting.
• Define: Mindful Alicia C. at McCrenshaw describes the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings for Engaged Buddhism and attempts to describe how she can apply them to her non-Buddhist life on her new journey toward mindfulness.
• This is what mindfulness looks like in my life Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama describes what mindfulness looks like in her life in the form of poetry.
• Practice, Practice, Practice: Becoming a Mindful Mother Erin at it's OK shares her definition of mindfulness, and her struggle to develop a regular practice.
• How Meditation Makes Me a More Mindful Mother Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her methods for sneaking meditation into each and every day in an effort to dig deep and be the most mindful mother possible.
• A Simple Practice Kat at My Mental Oddities outlines a simple practice with children
• Our Family Mission Statement Patti @ Jazzy Mama writes about how living mindfully means living intentionally. She created her Family Mission Statement to help her family stay focused on their goals and values.
• I REALLY Miss Being Mindful! Tracie of Purposeful Practices shares what it’s like to find and then lose your mindfulness practice.
• My Job Made Me a Mindful Mother Amy at Anktangle tells a story about how a mindfulness practice she used to utilize in her job as a nurse still impacts the way she mothers her son today.
• Now Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shows how mindfulness is all about living in the moment.
• Stepping into the Unknown To Rachael at The Variegated Life, mindfulness is a way of stepping into the unknown.
• Derailed Kelly of Becoming Crunchy explores what mindfulness looks like in her new, somewhat more hectic life.
• Mindful Mama Zoie at TouchstoneZ learns to stop struggling by being present with uncomfortable realizations.