MY Post About Having a Three-Year-Old

Now, I keep reading posts by moms of three-year-olds that say their kids have suddenly morphed from sweet little toddlers into bratty little princes & princesses who are moody and demanding. Yep. I have to concur with these moms - Little Guy is the same. I've really been questioning whether I'm raising a brat or just a strong-willed and independent little boy. The kid seems to create his own tantrum situations.

"I not listen to YOU!"

 Yesterday, he woke up and demanded cake for breakfast. Now, first of all, I'm not giving him cake first thing in the morning and he knows it. Sugary goodness turns him into a bitter devil. Second, we didn't even have cake - haven't had any since October, in fact. I pointed out that we don't have cake (because the "no, you have to eat something healthy" was just asking for a tantrum), in hopes that he'd see how his request would be impossible to fulfill. Tantrum ensued anyway. And his tantrums are no longer just a toddler kicking and screaming for a few minutes before he's ready for a hug. Uh-uh. Now, they entail long periods of crying about unfairness and how I don't like him anymore. They also have toy-throwing, wall-punching, and all kinds of other lovely behavior. I end up putting him onto the bed and blocking his way off because I just won't put up with that shit. Sometimes he'll go on for an HOUR about something like I got him milk to drink rather than the juice that he telepathically told me he changed his mind about while I was pouring the milk he requested.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have read and read on how others deal with this kind of behavior (Aha! Parenting has some great articles) , but the ideas just repeatedly backfire. He's a smart little one and, while a new approach will work the first time, he sees through it the second time. I'm finally getting him to say his feelings ("I'm very, very ANGRY!!!") so I can mimic them back to show him I understand. But it's not helping - instead of yelling and screaming about the problem, he just yells and screams about his emotions.

My husband isn't helping, either. Due to some physical and mental problems, he's not spending enough time with Little Guy to even be able to understand his speech. When he is around, he gives in to the demands just to avoid the tantrums. This means that Little Guy is "the boss of Daddy" and he sure throws his weight around! When my husband just cannot give in, such as a situation like the cake one or something that is dangerous, he goes from weak-willed Daddy to the guy who's threatening to spank. Especially when Little Guy is hitting (yeah - THAT makes sense!) Then Dad leaves because "I can't deal with this anymore." UGH!

The only thing I can think of doing differently is spending more one-on-one time with him. I thought that we already did a lot of it. But, now that I stand back and evaluate our time together, we don't. We might be in the same room, but we are both doing different things. He'll be playing with his cars while I hit up Facebook for the latest news. Not really quality time.

I have a ton of projects that I want to do with him (check out my Pinterest Kids' Crafts and Recipes boards!) but I really need to get my house in order first. So, I've been working on getting our house cleaned out and organized. I've been asking him to help me, which he eagerly agrees to do. Unfortunately, he will help for only a few minutes - then he's into things he knows he should not be playing with, running into the bathroom and tossing anything he can get his hands on into the toilet, or running into my oldest's room and messing with his stuff (our doors don't close correctly, thanks to shoddy carpentry.) After five or ten minutes of cleaning, we end up throwing in the towel for a little while. It just feels like an uphill battle right now and I'm becoming disheartened and frustrated. I'm going to keep up with this, though, because I'm pretty sure that the novelty of it will wear off and he'll (eventually) be able to focus on our "Important Jobs" that I need his expert help to complete.

This kid is busy. He's smart and can see through plans and, I swear, tries to foil them just for the heck of it. He really wants to be helpful and spend quality time together - it's just that he's still at that self-centered age and wants the best for himself first. And, thanks to Daddy, he thinks that flipping out and throwing a huge tantrum is the way to get those things. I suspect that he leans toward the ADD side due to his inability to do anything for more than a few minutes - even the things he LOVES to do. He's got a great sense of self and takes pride in anything he does - especially when he doesn't need help to do it.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I don't do rewards for a good job - I want him to learn to do good things because he will feel good inside, not so he can get a sticker or piece of candy. He is often congratulated when he obviously struggles with something and overcomes it, whether it is getting his pants on by himself or helping me do the dishes without getting down off the chair and running around the kitchen getting into everything. He knows the rules that are unchanging (mainly safety ones) and the rules that can be bent (the "harmony ones" that help us all live together.)  

We're in This Together (Mindful Parenting Collaboration}

Mindful Parenting Collaboration - Topic 4: Partners in Parenting

If you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

I know I keep saying this, but this topic is a really tough one for me to write about.Way back in June, I wrote THIS POST about some of the problems I was encountering at the time. The fifth one is about some problems between my husband and myself. They've gotten better and then worse, back and forth, since then. Our relationship is a mess right now and it's not going to be an easy fix. Most people, if I were to give them the entire story, would have told me to get the hell out a long time ago. But, in my opinion, this is one of the problems with society today: If it's broke, throw it away and get a new one. Well, I won't throw out a broken vacuum cleaner without trying every possible way I can think of to fix it and I'm not going to do that with my marriage.

However, this "broken" relationship makes parenting as partners really tough. Over the past year or so, I've slowly taken over all aspects of the role of "parent". My husband has become the teenage roommate who happens to share our space. He is a fun companion for the kids... when he feels like spending some time with them. He doesn't regularly enforce rules, he allows Little Guy to manipulate him into giving him whatever he wants. This will go on for 10 minutes to an hour until my hubby just boils over and starts yelling and threatening to spank. Not cool with me at all. Especially after he's gotten the kid all wired up and made him think that he rules all. It literally goes from "Super Crazy Fun Time" to "I've Had it!!!" in seconds. There are lots more things I could while about on the subject, but I think you might get the idea.

I don't yell at my husband. I wait until they're asleep before I attempt to confront any situations from earlier that day that I think need discussing. The spanking issue is a hot button around here. He never spanked his older kids. It's one of the things that attracted me to the guy. But now, rather than actually working at figuring out why the behavior from Little Guy is defiant, he would rather just jump to threatening to hit him. His reason for thinking spanking this child is because, "... he's just like I was as a kid and I know how to handle a kid like that." Um... yeah. So spanking kept you from starting your "career" as a drug addict at 11 years old? Spanking kept you from burning down a neighbor's house 'just because' at 13? Spanking kept you from running away from home at 15? I can go on, but you get the picture here, too, right? Anyway, that's the biggest issue we have in the parenting arena.

There are others. I really would like him to be more consistent with the time he spends with the kids. One day, he'll hang out with the family all day long. Then, there might be an entire week where he's so wrapped up in himself that he won't even bother to look at the kids. I know some of this has to do with pain. I can be understanding when he hurts so badly that he just can't concentrate on the kids. But, I really think that most of it has to do with him not feeling like it.

So, I talk to him when the kids aren't awake. I explain my reasons for how I would like the kids raised. I listen to what he has to say. Our conversations don't (usually) get out of hand and to the bitching, nagging, or yelling stage. By the time we're done, he will usually agree that he needs to work more on being consistent, not giving in to puppy dog eyes and tantrums, being around on a regular basis, etc. We'll make a plan of action so he can ease into this more easily and so the kids can get used to the changes, too. It'll work for a week or so, then it becomes too much work and he goes back to the old way of "parenting".

This past week, I followed Erin's advice of what to work on in my relationship. I'm going to have to do this more often because I'm just not sure how it's going to work out over a long period of time. The first thing she asked that we do for the topic "Partners in Parenting" was figure out what your relationship needs most and work on that one thing. The next step was to take a day and put my partner first for the entire day. They both kind of backfired on me. I think that the change in me might have confused hubby some, so I'll keep this up and see if it doesn't get better.

I think that our relationship, as a married couple and not parents, is honesty. I don't lie to my husband, but I will withhold information if it makes me "right" and him "wrong". That's a deception, too. So, I flat out told him what I was up to. I explained that I think we both need to be 100% honest about our feelings, actions, thoughts... everything. Yes, it might sting a little to hear certain things from one another, but it's important to share them rather than bottle them up. And, we're in this together: this marriage, this parenting thing, this LIFE. We have to be able to trust one another above anyone else in the world! I told him that, rather than trying to find the lie in everything he says (I swear, he lies and doesn't even have a reason except to "see if I can get away with it"), I'm going to trust that he's being honest. I do it with my kids, why not him? Well, he's been lying like crazy about all kinds of stupid things since. I think he, just like a child, is testing to see if I'll fall back into second-guessing everything he says. To see if I'll still love him even if he lies. So, it's not been all that great. I hate being lied to - it makes me feel as if I am not valuable as a person to the one who's lying. I really hope his little testing phase will be over soon...

As for the putting your partner first for the entire day... Ha! He's suspicious. Asking if he'd like me to make him a snack rather than just leaving him to do it kind of freaked him out a little. Seeing that he was having computer problems, I offered to help. I usually let him deal on his own - that man can download 1,00 viruses in five minutes flat - because it always, always, always takes hours to fix his mistakes... and he always claims he wasn't doing anything but reading his Facebook news feed. I offered to help, then didn't get frustrated with him for screwing it up so badly, as I usually do. I asked him if he wanted a back rub when he complained about it hurting. Once he got used to the idea that I was trying to be nice and think of his needs, he started to take advantage... just like a child would. He was asking me to hand him the phone that was ringing and sitting 1 foot away from him. He asked me to do all kinds of silly little things that he didn't need help with just to see if I'd do them. It was really annoying and, when I was busy with Little Guy, I had to tell him to do it himself. But I did try to put him before myself. I can't do this everyday, but I will revisit this again, whenever I can. My theory is that he'll eventually stop taking advantage. Then, maybe he'll even reciprocate. That's how a marriage should be, right?

So, while there really is not conclusion to this topic for me right now, I will continue working at it. I think that, once we can get our relationship with each other going in the right direction, we can work on the parenting aspect. For now, I can accept being the parent. Oh, and my kids will never hear me bad-mouthing my husband. They will, however, hear and see me trying my best to treat him with respect. It's important, not only to them, but to our entire family.

Watch Out for Traffic and Falling Things!

Lately, Little Guy's sleeping habits have been all over the place. One day he'll take a normal nap (2pm-4pm), on others, he doesn't take a nap at all. Then there are those days that I think are no-nap days and he crashes on me around 6pm. Those are the tough ones because I never know if he'll stay asleep all night (rarely), or if he'll wake up at 9pm and decide that he's just had the most refreshing nap of all-time. And, his bedtimes change just as frequently. He might fall asleep at 11pm, midnight, 1am... I never know. And there's no rhyme or reason to it. It doesn't matter if he's had a nap, gone for a long walk, or eaten sugary foods. He's going through little growth spurts here and there and how much sleep he needs fluctuates daily.

Since he weaned himself, getting him to fall asleep has been very hard. Nothing like a little mama's milk to knock a kid out, ya know? I've resorted to making "bedtime tea" for him. We have a nice little variety of different teas with the main ingredients being chamomile, peppermint, and lemon balm. I add a little local honey for sweet-tooth appeal. This is usually enough to at least calm (read: quiet) him at night so my oldest can get some sleep - he's growing like a weed and gets up at 5:20am, 6 days a week. Plus there are the neighbors. Our walls are thin, so are the floors. These poor people have a bedroom that sits just below the living room (where our bed is) and their wall is on the other side of our stairwell. Every word echoes perfectly down the stairs and through the wall. The guy that lives down there gets up at 6am - I hear his alarm go off. So, it's very important to the harmony of our little duplex that Little Guy is quiet at least by 10pm.

Now, I have the luxury of being able to catch a nap with him if I happen to be so zonked from lack of sleep that I wouldn't be productive while he sleeps. (IF he naps.) So, I really don't feel the need to regulate his sleeping patterns. He'll even out... eventually. Right?!

Well, Friday night, he fell asleep at 7pm. I really wanted to go to bed early, so I enacted a strict "you must tip-toe and whisper" rule in the house. If he had been awoken at 9 or 10pm, I'd have been screwed. We made it to 11pm and I crawled into bed. That's when my husband decided he needed a snack. That man can make a dish towel crinkle like a bag of chips! He finally finished making his snack and ate it - while watching TV. Did I mention that we all have to suffer because he decided to spend his youth listening to ear-splittingly (no, I don't know if it's a real word) loud music? He finally hits the hay at 12:30am. Yeah, just as I fall asleep, the oldest wakes up freaked out from a weird dream and decides he has to tell me all about it. "Ummm hmmm... yeah? Yeah, that's really strange. Hey, don't you have to get up at 6 for cross country? G'night." Now it's going on 2am. Next thing I know, my eyes are being poked out by buzzards. No, wait... there's giggling. Yeah, guess who's awake and ready to roll?

"Mama, good mornin!"
"Oh, let's see if Thomas is on. I'll get you some milk and honey and you can watch Thomas while Mama wakes up."





I head to the kitchen, start the coffee, and mix him up some milk and honey. While the coffee's brewing, I pop in a Thomas DVD, hand him his drink, and crawl back into bed with him and lightly doze. Then I hear it. It's called Engine Roll Call. "They're 2, they're 4, they're 6, they're 8..." If you know Thomas, you know this song. Around here, it's the "Jumping Song". I brace myself for the full weight of a little body to come crashing down on me. Time to get up, I guess. At least the coffee's done!

Now, it's 5:15 on a Saturday morning. The poor guy downstairs finally gets a day to sleep in. Uh-uh. My very happy little one has decided to be a train... oh, and he's still jumping on the bed... which has squeaky springs.

"CHOOOOOO-CHOOOOOOO!"
"Hey, can you be a quiet train?" I'm whispering for effect. "It's very, very early and people are still sleeping. We need to be quiet so they can get their rest."
Big smile, then a test, "CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..."
"Oh, come on! We really need to be quiet. Do you like it when people wake you up? Noooo. You get crabby when people are loud and make you wake up."

He actually sits down and watches another episode of Thomas! I get about half of that first cup of coffee down when he decides he wants to watch the "Truck Show". If you have a little one who loves trucks, trains, etc., then check out the "Lots and Lots...." series. They're amazing DVD's! So, I put the Truck Show into the DVD player and we sing a few of the songs. My eyes are open a little wider. The oldest has rolled out of bed and is getting his own "coffee" (a splash of coffee in a cup of warm Ovaltine

"HONK HONNNNNKKK! I a big Mack truck! HONNNNNK!" Oh no. Not again. He knew that the attention was focused elsewhere and went for it. My fault. Sigh...
"Oh, honey, please try to be a quiet truck. It's very important to be nice to the people downstairs and let them sleep."
"OK, Mama. I not be a truck." Hmm... that was easy!
"WEEEEE-OOOOOO! (repeat. over and over. and over)
"Shhhhh! Man... Look, you really have to be quiet. Look outside, the sun still isn't even awake yet. And I thought you said you weren't going to be a truck anymore."
Bemused look on Little Guy's face, "Oh, Mama! I not truck! I firetruck! WEEEEE-OOOOOO! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"I'm sorry, honey. You really just cannot be a firetruck yet. Firetrucks are very loud and we can't be loud right now, remember?"
"Oh, I fordot. I be a diff'rent thing."
"OK, think of something that's quiet, please."
"WEEEEE-OOOO! WEEEEE-OOOOO!" As I go over to have yet another talk, he quickly says, "I not firetruck, Mama! I bein' a amblalance! Ha ha ha ha!" Yeah, he got me. Silly, silly boy.

It went on like that forever. We finally decided on pretending to be things like fish and elevators. Quiet things. It's not easy to think of quiet things to imitate on just a few hours of sleep and not even a full cup of coffee. I used to get so frustrated over this kind of thing. I used to assume that he was trying to get on my nerves. Just pushing my buttons. But, I know that he's just happy. He wants to express that happiness and he does it by imitating his favorite thing - mainly, anything on wheels - traffic. I used to just shush him, threaten to turn off his show, slam things around (like THAT was showing him how to be quiet!) All he wanted was a little mama time. And, once I got into trying to find things to imitate that are quiet, he calmed right down and played along with me. Even the teen stepped in and pretended to be a chocolate chip cookie on a plate while I ran to the bathroom! There was no power struggle - if he detects one, all bets are off and he will win or we'll have a very, very loud and angry tantrum going on. And who wants to start their very early day on that kind of note? Not me!

 

I'd rather start my day 

as a tall tree whose leaves 

are being blown away 

by the autumn wind.

Define Mindfulness

This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Blog Carnival hosted by hosted by Kelly of Becoming Crunchy and Zoie of TouchstoneZ. Participants are writing posts about what mindfulness mean to them. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
***

It’s funny that Zoie (TouchstoneZ) and Kelly (Becoming Crunchy) would choose this month’s Mindful Mama Blog Carnival topic to be the very one thing that I’ve been mulling over in my mind: What does being mindful mean to you? Now, there are a ton of different angles to answering this question. I’m narrowing it down to three: Define “Mindful”, Being Mindful as a Human Being, and Mindful Parenting. And, since I can’t write short posts about any subject (heck, I can’t even leave Wordless Wednesday posts wordless!), I am going to write three separate posts and take part of this carnival whenever those posts fit into the theme.

What does being mindful mean to you?

When I saw the question popping out of my computer screen, it became clear to me that I had to take a closer look at myself – as a person, as a wife, and as a mother. I’ve not been the peaceful person I want to be, and I must admit that I’ve not even really tried changing. I’ve been following Hybrid Rasta Mama’s posts about her journey through the Mindful Mothering Challenge and really feel that I (and everyone around me) would really benefit if I tried taking part. It’s as if I’ve been waiting for “the right time” or for something to happen in my life that would force me to get up off my lazy butt, quit thinking, and start doing. That’s when I saw that question. It was a sign from the almighty Becoming Crunchy Gods telling me through an email subscription that this was the kick in the pants I was waiting for.

The first step toward becoming a mindful person is finding a definition for what “mindful” is to me. I’ve been mulling the question over in my head for a few days now, jotting down brainstormed ideas, and attempting to form a post or two in my head on the subject. However, being mindful isn’t something that you can just buy a book on and follow the step-by-step instructions to happiness and enlightenment. It’s a habit, a way of life, which you must ease yourself into. You can’t fake mindfulness – it won’t last long. You must truly feel it in your heart and understand it in your mind. I do feel the desire to become mindful and know that this is the path I want to take.

I searched the Web for some kind of guidance. I was lucky to have found the step-by-step guide that I just said doesn’t exist! The Community for Mindful Living follows the “…Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings for Engaged Buddhism of the Order of Interbeing--the Tiep Hien Order." Tiep means ‘in touch with’ and ‘continuing’. Hien means ‘realizing’ and ‘making it here and now’.” As I read over these fourteen “trainings”, I realized that I: 1) completely agree with each one and 2) possess many of the traits that these trainings strive to teach. Now, I just need simple reminders throughout the day that will keep me from having the knee-jerk (and I do mean “jerk”) reactions that I have to occurrences and actions that I have no control over. I yell at the kids a LOT. I get huffy over stupid things like hubby finishing the last of the coffee. I selfishly block out all of the turmoil around me by sitting in front of the computer reading blog posts, checking out Facebook, and entering giveaways. I’ll write more about how I am changing these in my next two posts.

Right now, I want to focus on those fourteen trainings and share my own interpretation of them:

1. Openness – This is me. It took me most of my 20’s to get here, but I am an open person. I have my own opinions of things. Yet, I do not feel that my ideas are the “right” ones – they’re only right ones for me. I do not fault anyone for having the ideas or opinions that they have. The one thing here, for me, is that I feel that some people do not educate themselves and only hold certain opinions because they know someone else with that opinion. I need to work on not trying to educate those people against their wills. It is one thing to hand over information with no strings attached. It’s not being open when I ask the person if they got a chance to go over that information and try to find out if they’ve changed their way of thinking.
2. Non-Attachment from Views – What?! OK, this one goes with the Openness one. The idea is to be willing to hear the views of others (no matter how wrong I may thing they are) and be open-minded enough to try to understand those views. This training is here to remind me that my ideas and opinions are ever-changing and the more I learn about others’ ideas and opinions, the better prepared I will be to accept my changing views.
3. Freedom of Thought – Again, back to the openness thing. This time, it is all about allowing others their own freedom of thought and not trying to coerce others into thinking my way. This one goes for children, partners, friends, and strangers. It is one thing to converse on a subject with someone who thinks differently. It is another to try to change their thinking with a bribe or a threat.
4. Awareness of Suffering – This is going to be a tough one for me. Suffering of any kind is easiest to handle when I just pretend it’s not there. This training asks that I stop shielding myself from suffering of things and people. Sometimes, even, seek it out. Try to feel compassion and empathy, and then try to show the one(s) suffering a path to comfort and joy. I’m still mulling over just how to do this.
5.  Simple, Healthy Living – Hmm… I understand the concept here: Simple living means to only take what I need and not attempt to amass a stockpile while others may be suffering without even their basic needs met. Healthy means to keep my body pure and free of toxins. The first part is going to be a slight adjustment. I need to get rid of a ton of things. Things that I look at every day and feel terrible for having and not using, knowing that there is someone out there in need of it. The healthy part is going to be very tough. I have made many changes in my lifestyle over the years, but I still like a good Twinkie or Pepsi now and then. I live on coffee – I swear it’s the only thing that keeps me alert all day. I’ll work on cutting out the bad stuff and replacing it with good. I know right now that the coffee will not disappear, but there are alternatives that I can replace most of my daily cups with.
6. Dealing with Anger – OK, this is a really, really bad one for me. It is the reason I even began considering the life changes that becoming a more mindful person should bring. I have a quick temper and I’m stubborn. I will spare you all of the details in this post (see the next two) and just say I have a lot of work to do before I can be one who does not respond immediately when anger rises within me.
7. Dwelling Happily in the Present Moment – Sounds perfectly logical. Problem is, I tend to remove myself from the moment by thinking of other things, past and future, that have nothing to do with now. I must find a physical or visual reminder for this one.
8. Community and Communication – I love this one. It has to do with listening and speaking with an open heart. I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will be attentive to your point of view while you are expressing it. I will also share my opinions and beliefs while keeping in mind that you may not feel the same way as I. I really try to practice this and I believe that I am good at it; though, no one is perfect – I need to learn how to not shut down when someone whose ideas are radically different from mine shares his or her thoughts with me.
9. Truthful and Loving Speech – This one is a tough one for me. Being truthful doesn’t just mean not lying, it also means having the story straight and making sure it’s factual before sharing it with others. While I may try to be truthful in all that I say, the loving part is not so easy. I need to remind myself several times a day that the things that come out of my mouth may not seem to be hurtful to me, but they leave a terrible impact on those around me. I tend to slip into negative speech with Little Guy and the Oldest. “No” “Can’t” “Won’t” are all words that I use often. Turning my phrasing around can make all of the difference! This training also reminds us that we must stand up for the truth – even if it means bad things may come to us. Think of all of the heroes we know about who spoke the truth against injustice only to be beaten down or even murdered by the oppressors. The word got out – their messages were hear – and we know this because, even when these events may have taken place centuries ago, we know about them today.
10. Protecting the Sangha – OK, I’m not a Buddhist, so this one seemed a little out there at first. This is directly from The Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings and explains better than I ever could: “Aware that the essence and aim of a Sangha is the practice of understanding and compassion, we are determined not to use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit or transform our community into a political instrument. A spiritual community should, however, take a clear stand against oppression and injustice and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.” What I get from it is that being mindful and compassionate should be done only because it is the right thing to do. This isn’t a way of life for those who will only use it to gain things (whether it’s money, fame, power, or even love.) I really do not anticipate anything from my actions other than inner peace – if I’m lucky!
11. Right Livelihood – This one tells me to make sure that my career is not only something that makes me happy. I need to consider the global impact of my choice: Does this job cause injustice or negative environmental impacts? Also, as a consumer, I must ask the same things. As a mom, I do this everyday – Which brand of dish soap do I buy? What am I teaching my children about waste if I throw out cheese that has a teeny bit of mold on it? May seem silly to some, but these decisions all add up. Not only do they affect myself and my family, but my community (buying local), the economy (buying from “good” companies will take money from the “bad” ones, social institutions (make sure to use companies with good labor practices), the environment (green products with little packaging), etc. And, hopefully, my kids see this stuff as a way of life and grow up into adults who follow my lead!
12. Reverence for Life – This one is about non-violent communication and peaceful demonstration to avoid conflict and war. I’m all for it – war kills, conflict kills. It is important to stand up for what you believe, but physical harm is never a good solution for anyone. It’s funny, my husband and I were talking about war last night. He was a little young for the Vietnam draft, but he and his friends had talked about what would happen if the draft were still in effect when they reached 18. “I’m not running up that hill to try to shoot that guy. I don’t even know him! What did he ever do to me?!” Yeah, that’s the basic thought here. Wars are run by a few men (and women!) who use human beings as pawns in a game of chess in order to gain something (be it land, oil, power.) If all of the pawns were to realize what they were really fighting for and laid down their arms in peaceful protest, things would probably get done more quickly and with less bloodshed. (I know that there is way more to this subject than what I’ve written. I just remembered that this post is about “mindfulness” and not “war”!)
13. Generosity – We don’t have much of anything. This could cause me to say, “But I have nothing to give!” I do – time, a few material things, energy. Generosity can be a simple hug to someone who looks like they’re at the end of their rope. Feeding a stray cat some leftovers. Standing up for a stranger who is obviously being treated unfairly. How many times do people walk past a bad situation saying, “It’s none of my business,” I’ve done it – I’ll admit it. But, recently, I’ve felt the need to help others. I still see the little boy whose spanking was averted due to my speaking up and his mom rarely uses this form of punishment now!
14. Right Conduct – This one has a lot to do with sex. I KNOW!!! It reminds us to be fully aware of the impact that our sexual acts will have. That sex without spiritual love is just a physical act and means nothing. If fact, it’s a selfish act because we are fulfilling only our own desires. It also tells us to keep in mind that sex leads to new people. We must fully realize the responsibilities of bringing a new baby into the world and be willing to accept it. Quite a lot of thinking to do before “doing it” with your partner, but also very important!

Well, there you have it – how I feel being mindful will and can apply to my life. There is a lot to remember here, so I’m going to start out by making little lists of these Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings and hang them all over the house. I'm a visual person and these will help me remember!  Next, I’m going to join Hybrid Rasta Mama and attempt to take on the Mindful Mothering Challenge. I’ve found that The Parenting Passageway started this challenge as “20 Days Toward More Mindful Mothering” I’m not going to attempt to do it in 20 days, but I’ll get through just fine and, hopefully, I’ll be able to write semi-regular blog posts about it!

***
Visit the Mindful Mama Blog Carnival Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Blog Carnival!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• An Alternative Approach to Parenting Mindfully Through Present Moment Awareness Amy at Peace 4 Parents offers an experience of present moment awareness as a pathway to mindful parenting.
• Define: Mindful Alicia C. at McCrenshaw describes the Fourteen Mindfulness Trainings for Engaged Buddhism and attempts to describe how she can apply them to her non-Buddhist life on her new journey toward mindfulness.
• This is what mindfulness looks like in my life Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama describes what mindfulness looks like in her life in the form of poetry.
• Practice, Practice, Practice: Becoming a Mindful Mother Erin at it's OK shares her definition of mindfulness, and her struggle to develop a regular practice.
• How Meditation Makes Me a More Mindful Mother Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her methods for sneaking meditation into each and every day in an effort to dig deep and be the most mindful mother possible.
• A Simple Practice Kat at My Mental Oddities outlines a simple practice with children
• Our Family Mission Statement Patti @ Jazzy Mama writes about how living mindfully means living intentionally. She created her Family Mission Statement to help her family stay focused on their goals and values.
• I REALLY Miss Being Mindful! Tracie of Purposeful Practices shares what it’s like to find and then lose your mindfulness practice.
• My Job Made Me a Mindful Mother Amy at Anktangle tells a story about how a mindfulness practice she used to utilize in her job as a nurse still impacts the way she mothers her son today.
• Now Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shows how mindfulness is all about living in the moment.
• Stepping into the Unknown To Rachael at The Variegated Life, mindfulness is a way of stepping into the unknown.
• Derailed Kelly of Becoming Crunchy explores what mindfulness looks like in her new, somewhat more hectic life.
• Mindful Mama Zoie at TouchstoneZ learns to stop struggling by being present with uncomfortable realizations.

I'm Sick of Yelling - I Want to Play { #CarNatPar }

Welcome to the September Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how challenging discipline situations can be met with play. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I'm at a stage in parenting that is just confounding to me. My oldest is now a teenager - starting high school this year! - and truly feels that anything I say must be wrong. Little Guy is driving me up a wall with his almost-3-year-old attitude. I find myself going in a circle with both of them. I start out by reminding myself that I was once their age. I really try to understand situations from their points of view. I explain that, yes, I understand why you want ____, but here's my reason for not allowing ____ at this time. I speak in a low voice, I keep emotion out of it (unless the situation calls for empathy), and I stay firm. This lasts a very short time. I find myself slowly slipping into a angrily slamming things around phase. Then there's the yelling. And, finally, I re-think my position on spanking. That always brings me back to the beginning of the circle and it all starts again.

 This can't be good for any of us. My poor husband really tries to follow my parenting philosophies. When he steps out of those bounds (You Have to Play By the RULES!), I am there to remind him to "play nice" with the kids. Then, he watches as I slowly begin to lose it and become the biggest hypocrite ever. The kids don't know what to expect, either. So, being kids, they push it as far as they can go. If I'd had enough at some point and allowed them to do something that I previously did not allow in a slip of sticking to my words, they'll try 20+ more times to get me to allow that thing again. My oldest uses the talking back and stomping around method (we call it "Humphing"). Whereas, Little Guy does the typical toddler tantrum thing. He throws things, screams, whines, stomps, and occasionally hits or kicks. I see where these behaviors come from - me. It seems to them that the louder and angrier I am, the more I get MY way. Heck, why wouldn't it work for them, too?

I've really been trying to figure out how to change this - for good. That is when I saw that this month's Carnival of Parenting  hosted by Lauren at Hobo Mama and Dionna at Code Name: Mama. is based on Parenting Through Play. Hmm... Both kids like to play. My oldest loves board games and joking around. And Little Guy, well, HE'S ALMOST THREE - of course he likes to play! So, I have a plan that I'm already testing out and fine-tuning. What if I tried teaching my children the lessons they need to learn (the reason behind 99% of the rules in our home) through playing with them?

 Here's how I'm envisioning it (so far):

For the Oldest, it's going to take a little work. I want him to become more responsible for himself. His biggest excuse for everything is, "I forgot." And, you know what? I believe him. But it is infuriating when he constantly forgets everything, all of the time. Little things like picking up dirty socks or throwing a candy wrapper into the trash, middle-ground things like not taking out the trash when the wastebasket is full, and BIG stuff like forgetting to ask his coach for the phone numbers of a few of his cross country teammates so he can catch rides to and from meets (first one is TUESDAY and I have absolutely NO IDEA how it's going to happen for him and no coach's phone number- ARGH!) I've tried charts, calendars, planners, lists, leaving post-it notes everywhere, verbally reminding him... everything I can think of. It works for a few weeks, then we're back to me screaming at him and him shutting down. But, with this new trial of parenting through play, I remembered that he remembers conversations we've had while playing games with each other from way back when he was just 5 years old!

• I am going to try to make time to play board games or cards with him (or my husband can) two to three nights a week. 
• Before the game, I'm making a list of the things that need to be talked about.
• I'll also search for funny quotes or jokes that have to do with the things that he needs to remember and out them on the list, too.

Little Guy is going to be kind of tough, too. He's stubborn right now. I just read a post by Hybrid Rasta Mama about her Mindful Mothering Challenge this morning and, I swear, she was describing my kid! (Off the subject of Parenting Through Play - I'm going to start on this challenge, from The Parenting Passageway ASAP!) Anyway, she described her little one as blatantly doing exactly what Mama doesn't want her to do, and not doing the things Mama really wants/needs her to do. This is Little Guy. I feel like reverse psychology is the main theme of my life - I'm even using it on hubby. I feel like I'm being less-than-honest when I do this. So, Here's what I'm thinking for little guy:

• Books - lots of them - from the library about cooperation. Books that show how happy everyone is when they use teamwork to get the job done right. Books that explain the dangers of doing things like not holding hands in the street and taking off in a busy grocery store so Mama can't find you.
• He loves playing with his Hot Wheels and often has a lot of dialog going on with them. I'm going to try to naturally work in different scenarios that often end up with me yelling and him having a tantrum, but with the endings showing him WHY I have certain rules. Maybe one would be: "Blue Truck" doesn't listen to his mommy when she tells him not to do something and then he gets hurt. Nothing preachy, no, "Let's talk about what that truck just did and how it pertains to you!" kind of lectures. 
• I also saw an idea for something called The "Fix" Game on Dr. Laura Markham's Aha! Parenting. Basically, you take a few minutes out of your day and chase your little one around giving hugs, kisses, and snuggles... Getting your "fix" of your little one for the day. It shows them, very clearly, that you DO love them and gives them the direct attention they need. I've already been doing this a few times a day and I've really noticed a marked improvement in attitude and cooperation from Little Guy. We all need some silly lovin' and, with a kid who automatically goes into negative attention mode whenever he feels no one is paying attention to him, it's so important!!!

Well, this is all I have for now. I find myself thinking of this subject often and brainstorming for Parenting Through Play ideas whenever my mind becomes idle - doing dishes, folding laundry, etc. I would absolutely LOVE to hear anymore ideas from you. My entire parenting scheme needs changing and I have to do it NOW... or else. I've fallen into too many bad habits and that circle I'm rolling around in is making me and my family sick. 

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• On being a more playful parent — Isil at Smiling like Sunshine shares how the Playful Parenting book impacted her.
• Parenting a toddler through play — Alicia at I Found My Feet lists some examples of how she uses play to parent through everyday tasks and challenges.
• Splashing in Puddles — Abbie at Farmer's Daughter shares how she learned to get dirty and have fun with her little boy.
• Say Please — Cassie at There's a Pickle in My Life explains how they taught their son manners by "play," showing that actions speak louder than words.
• No Nanny Needed — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life wishes parenting through play was her only responsibility during the day.
• I'll Run Away With Gypsies — Nikalee at Spotted Pandemonium maneuvers physical and emotional obstacles while spinning playful tales, jumping through hoops, and inspiring the kids to clean the living room.
• A Promise To My Daughter — Lindsey at An Unschooling Adventure writes a poem for her daughter promising to use play instead of anger when facing difficult situations.
• Parenting Through Play — Not Always Easy But Always Rewarding — Amy at Peace4Parents discusses how play hasn't always come easily to her, the power of appreciative observation, and how her family learns together through play.
• Imagination Plays a Role in Our Parenting — Tree at Mom Grooves shares how parents can use play to set the foundation for communication and understanding.
• A Box of Crayons — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction talks about how a simple box of crayons has become a wonderful parenting and teaching tool.
• The Essential Art of Play — Ana at Pandamoly shares some of her favorite lessons available for young ones through play.
• The Art of Distraction — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro shares a list of distracting alternatives to harsh punishments in tough parenting situations.
• Grace and Courtesy Games at Home or School — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has ideas for grace and courtesy games that help you encourage courteous behavior without reprimanding your child.
• I am woman, hear me roar! — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares how one simple sound can diffuse an argument in an instant.
• Getting Cooperation Through Play — Amyables at Toddler In Tow talks about respecting the worldview of a preschooler by using play to encourage connection and cooperation.
• Playful Parenting = Extra Energy?? — Momma Jorje didn't think she had the energy for playful parenting. See what she was surprised to learn…
• Dance Party Parenting — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen learned how to be the parent her children need through play.
• Wrestling Saved My Life — Wrestling is as vital to her son's well-being as babywearing once was, finds Hannah at Wild Parenting.
• Parenting through play — By playing with her children, Tara from MUMmedia is given amazing opportunites to teach, train and equip her children for life.
• Parenting Through Play Starts in Infancy — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Issa from LoveLiveGrow shares that though she only has a 3-month-old, playful parenting has already started.
• Play Before Sleep — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how playing and singing with her son before he falls asleep helps calm her frustrations that tend to arise at night.
• Playful Parenting — Or 5 Lessons My Son Has Taught Me About Parenting Through Play — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama has learned to be a better parent by following her toddler's lead in play.
• Hurry up! Hurry up! I mean it! Quack, quack, quack! — Kellie at Our Mindful Life leads a trail of ducklings
• On the Road: Learning to Play — Seonaid at The Practical Dilettante discovers her inner adult through a summer of playing with her children.
• Preventing Tantrums Through Play — Gaby at Tmuffin explains how she keeps her household happy by not taking things too seriously.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Through Play — Lily, aka Witch Mom, redirects unwanted behavior in a toddler using games and play.
• Exaggerating for effect — Lauren at Hobo Mama has learned how to ham it up.
• Handling Big Emotions with Role Playing — Zoie at TouchstoneZ plays at tempering her parental frustrations while helping her children handle some big emotions
• How To Herd Toddlers by Talking Pictorially — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama demonstrates how talking in pictures is a playful way to engage your young child in transitioning from one activity to the next.
• Getting a Toddler to Go Where You Want…Playfully — Sylvia at MaMammalia describes how a game of hide-and-seek can be used to steer a wandering toddler in the direction of her choosing.
• Playful Parenting: Chores That Do Themselves — Remember chores when you were a kid? If chores were this fun for Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey, she wouldn't have needed any reminders!
• Clown School Express: Playing away Fears — MudpieMama describes how she helped her boys confront their fears about starting kindergarten by playing with trains.
• Practicing Playful Parenting — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle realizes that playfulness is the best way through the day and seeks more ways to practice it.
• Today, Tomorrow and Every Day — Starr at Taking Time addresses her children in a letter sharing with them how improtant it is that they spend their childhood playing.
• Learning Through Immersion — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares how she helps her daughter develop naturally without focusing on teaching, but rather by immersing her in their family's way of life and making her an active part of her environment.
• Play Here Now — Jessica at Instead of Institutions learns and relearns and tries to remember the value of play.
• Play: A Wonderful Parenting Tool — Mamapoekie from Authentic Parenting offers a list of examples on how to use play in real-life parenting situations.
• Playful Parenting — a Book Review — Erica at ChildOrganics shares simple yet sage advice from Dr. Cohen on how play can change your child's life.
• Mock Threats: Turning Real Frustration into Playful Parenting — Threatening is not an effective discipline strategy, but Dionna at Code Name: Mama explains how parents can turn their frustration into playful moments by making "mock threats."
• I'm Sick of Yelling — I Want to Play — Alicia at McCrenshaw's Newest Thoughts realizes she needs to change the way she's parenting and is forming a new plan.
• Sing-along, Brush-along Songs — Shana at Tales of Minor Interest shares a few songs to make brushing her three-year-old's teeth more fun.
• Monster Voice — Ever have those frustrating moments with your kid(s) when you just want to scream? Amy at Anktangle shares a silly strategy for getting through those difficult times.

You Have to Play By The RULES!

Tweet


One of the things that attracted me to hubby was a story he tells about he and his now grown daughter. She had been messing around with him. When he told her to come inside the house for dinner, she just laughed and ran away. He was getting angry and finally went out to get her. He tripped on one of the porch steps and fell onto the sidewalk. She stood about a foot away and laughed at him. Not only was he physically hurt, but also embarrassed and emotionally hurt. To retaliate, he grabbed the macrame belt he was wearing (yeah, hippie!) and took a swipe in her direction, not really expecting to do much more than show her he wasn't happy. He hit her square on the butt. This was the first (and last) time he ever "spanked" her. It hurt her feelings and she cried. Then HE started crying because he hit his daughter! (Now, we're talking about a belt made from braided yarn. It didn't really hurt in the physical sense.) When she saw him crying, she stopped immediately, gave him a big hug, and they went inside to eat dinner. Aww...

Photo by woodleywonderworks on Flickr

 Last night, as I was making dinner, hubby & Little Guy were in the other room playing with Legos. This is one of his very favorite activities to do with his daddy and he looks forward to doing so every evening. My oldest had just passed down a set to Little Guy that could be built into a pirate ship and they were both pretty excited to play with it. Hubby really wanted to make the ship so he and Little Guy could play pretend with all of the Lego guys. They come up with some rather interesting stories - there's one about Carl the Laundry Man, another about Rasheed the Snake Charmer... Anyway, as hubby worked on putting all of the pieces where they were supposed to go, Little Guy busied himself with the joy of just plain building. Every once in a while, I could hear him say, "I need borrow dat piece for my truck [or train, or car...] I'm building," to my increasingly frustrated husband. I could envision what was going on, every time my hubby turned to look for a piece he needed, Little Guy was taking one from the ship.

That's when it happened.  Hubby had had enough. Slowly, buy surely, his voice came through loud and clear, slowly rising the more he spoke, "No! That piece doesn't go there! I need it for the ship! Don't you want to help me build this ship???" Then the lecture began (remember, he's talking to a kid who isn't even quite 3 years old.)

Paraphrased:

"You need to play by THE RULES. Don't you understand? We're trying to build this really cool ship and you keep messing it up! This piece goes here, you see? If you're not going to play by THE RULES, I don't want to play Legos with you anymore. You can just play by yourself because I don't want to play with someone who doesn't follow THE RULES. No one will ever want to play with you if you just do whatever you want and don't play by THE RULES..."

It went on from there. I was seeing red, but couldn't come to his rescue because I was making mac & cheese and had just started to add the milk to the sauce. I had to keep stirring... Finally, when I had a chance, I popped my head into the room and told them it was time to start cleaning up because dinner would be ready soon. What I wanted to do was tear hubby a new one for talking to that little one like that. It wasn't just the words, but the tone of voice, too. I waited, though. We don't argue in front of Little Guy when it could possibly turn into a heated battle of parenting philosophies. He doesn't need to witness that. Plus, he was starting to get the idea that since I make the majority of the rules that pertain to him, he didn't have to listen to anyone other than me. Not cool when hubby takes him for a walk and he runs off because he feels that hubby's instructions (like: Hold hands across the street) don't apply because it's not Mommy saying it. I held my tongue until after bed time.

Then I confronted my husband. Yes, "confronted", not "brought up the subject" or "asked". I was still really pissed off. I wanted to know why he thought it was OK to talk to our son like that. His response was that he kept saying more and more things, in a meaner and meaner way, because what he was saying was not phasing Little Guy. In fact, he was being completely ignored. He was mad at this, so he kept on going. WHAT?! I was dumbfounded for a minute or two. Was I hearing a grown man tell me that he was saying increasingly hurtful things to a toddler just to get a rise out of him?! I went over the things he said to our son (kind of like the paraphrased piece, up there), then asked him how he'd feel if he heard another kid or the oldest saying those things to Little Guy. "But he wasn't even paying attention!" was his retort. What do you do when someone hurts your feelings? I try to ignore the person, busy myself with something else until the person stops or I can go away. I asked hubby if he thought maybe Little Guy was doing the same thing. He was quite defensive about the whole situation - probably because I was on the warpath.

Legos, he would try to just go with the flow and not worry about making anything colossal for now.

This morning, hubby told me he felt really bad about talking to Little Guy that way. He still feels that it's his job to teach him how to follow rules, though. I think he's still a little young, but suggested buying a simple game like Candyland or Memory for Little Guy's birthday for them to play together. I really hope that this is the last of incidents of this nature. I'm still pretty shocked at the entire thing. I would have never thought of this kind of thing coming from my husband - ever.

Nice Young Men in Their Clean White Coats...

So, yeah, it's been kinda weird around here lately. And this is the song that is on constant replay in my head - from the time I wake up until I finally manage to fall asleep. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. No, a hair. I really don't know why - that's the really strange thing about it. If you've been keeping up on my Intimacy Experiment posts, things are going well there. LOL - No, not just in the bedroom! All around OK - we're talking very openly about everything. Even when what is said could potentially hurt the other person, it's all taken in stride. It's so important that we are able to get everything out into the open and then work on it from there. So, like I said, the flip-out thing isn't coming from that part of my life.

Little Guy is becoming more and more challenging. He's not like other kids, at least not the ones I have known. He's really confident and that can cause a ton of problems. He is great at helping out because he loves doing the things he sees everyone else doing. Problem is, he tries doing these things on his own. Dangerous things. Today, for instance, he was outside with my husband. They were fixing something and Little Guy was given a screwdriver and a wooden mallet to use. He was very serious about his job and worked hard. My husband turned around to grab a few more nails and when he turned back, Little Guy was GONE!

He was found heading through the woods behind the house (the grass is 1/2 foot taller than him!) We found out he was on his way to the library. He knows the way and must have figured he was capable of going there on his own. Understandable from his point of view. Why couldn't he go? He knows how to look both ways for cars and all that stuff. When he learned that we weren't going to let him traipse off to the library on his own, he had a tantrum. The only words my husband got out were, "You need to wait for me or Mommy to go to the library," before the tantrum started.

I don't give in to tantrums. I don't punish him when he has them. I merely try hugging him, talking to him quietly, or ignoring him - based on what he seems to need at the time. If he hugs back, it usually means he's tired and needs a nap or a rest time. If I talk quietly and he wants to hear what I have to say, he'll quiet down, too. He understands that, sometimes, we can discuss the disagreement and he might get his way - even partially (like, we can go to the library after we have a snack.) If he's being stubborn or insistent upon getting what he wants NOW without and compromise whatsoever, I have to resort to ignoring him. Every once in a while, I'll say, "I can't understand you when you're whining/crying/yelling." If he starts kicking or throwing things, I simply pick him up and move him to a safer location (the bed is great because he can jump his anger out and hit or throw the pillows all he wants!) For any tantrum, I keep my voice steady and a straight face the whole time.

It's not really working. You see, I thought that after a while, he would see that acting this way would not get him what he wanted. Sometimes the tantrums are out of his control - he's frustrated and just loses it. I get that. But the majority of the time, he's doing it to see what he can got out of it. He'll stop for a minute and, totally calm, say something like, "I want go library - NOW!" All I have to do is say anything but, "OK! Let's go!" and he starts the whole tantrum all over again. These thing last, on average, 20-30 minutes. And he's loud. And he sounds like he's being beaten. I'm waiting for the cops to knock on my door. Seriously.

It's a daily thing, usually we get three or more in a single day. I know how it started - hubby hates it when he cries. He doesn't want his kids to be sad or angry with him. Heck, I've seen his 23 year-old daughter pout and cry at him to get her way! (Ridiculous, I know!) I caught him "making deals" with Little Guy a few weeks ago. "If you help me pick up your cars, we'll have some ice cream! Is it a deal?" Oh. no. he. didn't...
So, I asked Hubby about it. You see, Little Guy's tantrums quadrupled about 6 weeks ago - the same time he started to hang out with Daddy for longer periods of time and on a regular basis. I suspected something might be up, but just wasn't sure what - until I overheard the ice cream thing. Here's what he said to me, "It works for me, so that's what I'm going to do. If I have to bribe him to do things or promise something fun in exchange for what he wants and it keeps him from crying or screaming, I'm doing it."



Anyway, it took until yesterday for my husband to admit his way was making our child become a spoiled brat. Don't get me wrong, he has his good moments, too, but it feels like my entire day consists of nothing but trying to get this kid to learn that he cannot have or do anything he wants. Now my husband thinks that maybe a smack on the butt will show him how to act. I laughed at him! No one is hitting anyone around here. No, wait a minute, Little Guy has been hitting. He hits Hubby, my oldest, and the cat. He likes getting a reaction out of them. He doesn't hit me because I calmly grab his hand, put it down to his side, and tell him that hitting hurts and it makes me angry and sad. End of story. They make a big deal out of it - either by getting angry or lecturing a 2.5 year-old who is ignoring them.  As soon as the anger dies down or they stop telling him all of the reasons that hitting is wrong, he does it again. It eventually ends up with Little Guy having a tantrum and either my oldest stomping out of the house or my husband saying that he can't take this anymore and leaving the room. Thanks guys. The cat usually just leaves - he's no idiot. But sometimes, he'll turn around and scratch Little Guy. Good. It always stops him in his tracks. I will usually ask him if he liked it when the kitty scratched him and explain that hitting hurts the kitty just as much. For some reason, he still hits him.

There are more things, but these show the major problems. I don't know what else to do. I talk to him to make sure he understands he's being heard. I explain in short and simple terms why he cannot get his way. I let him get his frustrations out. I try to figure out if he's hungry or tired or not feeling well. I've changed his diet. I'm at the end of my rope. I literally cannot keep this up.

In the morning, before I open my eyes, I swear I can hear the click-click-click of a roller coaster going up that first big hill. By the time I sit up, the roller coaster has taken the plunge. You know how you can't breathe in when the coaster first flies down the hill and those butterflies in your stomach are now in your throat and you can't even get out a good scream? It's fun once or twice on that one day a year that you go to the amusement park. I feel that from the time I sit up in bed until I manage to fall asleep at night. I know it's anxiety. I keep it at bay with an arsenal of teas, homeopathic medicines, and sheer willpower. But I am so afraid that I'm going to go into full panic attack mode and never come out of it. At least not without a lovely 72-hour "observation" stay at the local nut house. That just adds to the anxiety. What will happen to the kids if I end up losing it? Hubby just can't do it (No, I know this. If you've read some of my older posts, you understand why.) What if I lose it and we're at the park or the library? What if I lose it and I never get "it" back??? All of these questions (and more) just add to the anxiety.

I recently realized that I've been through a LOT of bad stuff. More than people could imagine. There is only one other person in the world who knows (most of) my life story and he finds it hard to believe that all this stuff has happened to me. But I've held it together well through everything. I might have cried, been scared, or flipped out for a second, but I kept it together and got by. And now tantrums are going to bring me down??? I don't think it's just that. I think that maybe my mind just needs a little vacation. A week or two of not worrying about everything. The question is: How do I get that? I seriously think that, if I don't get some kind of relief, I'm going to be heading to the funny farm.

(Oh, and I tried a psychologist. He referred me to a psychiatrist who suggested Xanax. I don't want to drug my problems - they need to be fixed the old fashioned way. I took some "chill pills" to get through cancer and death with my first husband and they made me careless about a lot of important things. I never even had a chance to grieve properly because the pills made it 'OK'.)

So, if you don't get anything but the sporadic posts that I've promised to write for a couple of companies, I'll still be around. I just need to chill out some.

An Unexpected Lesson on the Rights of Minors {Smart Summer Challenge - Week 2}

Tweet

If you missed my first Smart Summer Challenge post for this week, here's a little run down: This week's theme is Government. I decided to have my 13 year-old son look up the answers to some questions about American history that they just don't teach you in school. Well, we're still doing this and I'll post about it tomorrow.

Tonight's post is about an unexpected lesson my son learned earlier today about civil servants. I think it pertains to this week's theme very well.

The lesson: 

"Know the Law and Your Rights"

I'm going to have to go back to September 2009 to explain. (Hopefully, I can do it without writing a novel this time!) That's when a friend of my son's, I'll call him "S", was arrested for breaking & entering and vandalism. He was 12 years old at the time, almost 13, and hanging out with a couple of kids who were 15. One of these kids had the bright idea to break into one of the abandoned factories around here (there are LOTS - I live in Michigan, where they used to make a lot of cars.) They got in through a broken window and spent nearly three hours running around breaking stuff, burning stuff, painting nasty little phrases on walls... I'm sure you can just imagine the things three boys found to do in a place like that.

Well, these idiot kids didn't know it, but the entire place was outfitted with security cameras. Every second of their little adventure was caught on tape. S and the other two boys were questioned, taken to court, and punished. S got it the worst. The older boys had gotten together before getting caught and corroborated their stories, placing most of the blame on 12 year-old S. He was lucky enough to not had a run-in with the law beforehand and escaped any kind of kiddie jail. Instead, he was sentenced to a year and a half of community service. Every single weekend and day off of school (including all of last summer), he went to work for the city. He was "paid" minimum wage, which went to the building's owner or his insurance company. In addition, the kid was grounded until the community service was done with.

S and I have had many conversations about this incident. He was sorry for doing it the second he walked out of the factory. He knew it was wrong, he didn't think that an abandoned factory might actually have an owner or be worth anything. I'm not standing up for the kid and saying the punishment was too harsh or anything - he did something wrong and really did learn his lesson. Every time the subject comes up I can see it in his eyes - he's so very sorry for doing it.

At the end of the school year, S went to Texas to visit relatives and returned today. His parents had given him some of those firecrackers that just about every kid around here has from June 27th until they run out. I can't remember what their called - Black Cat? - they look like little birthday candles and emit a loud POP! There's a drought in Texas and he missed seeing fireworks, so they figured what the heck. (I know, some of you are thinking "What the hell would they give a kid fireworks for?!" but this really is common around here. Kids learn about fireworks at a very early age and, like it or not, 8-year-olds are walking around with firecrackers and lighters in their pockets. I'm leaving my opinion out of it, but just so you know, I just started letting my oldest shoot off bottle rockets - under adult supervision - this year.)

So, my son, S, and another of their friends went into the empty lot of dirt (it's about 1/2 acre) and my kid watched (I know because I watched him!) while his friends put firecrackers into pop cans, under tin cans, into plastic bags - just trying out every possible piece of trash they found. [Hey, don't knock it - it's experimentation! They were learning something. I'm serious!] Now, at this time, I could hear the same type of firecrackers sporadically going off all around the neighborhood. A few minutes into their fun, TWO police cars roll up. OK, now I'm heading out the door!

As I'm walking to the scene of the "crime" and still hearing fireworks going off all around me, my son and his one friend are walking toward me. S, on the other hand, is pushed over the hood of the car (the kid is 14 and a skinny little thing, like my son.) All I can think is This is bullshit! There's no reason for two grown men to have a kid who is doing the same thing that most boys his age are doing bent over a police car (with lights and sirens going), handcuffed, the contents of his backpack dumped onto the ground, and one officer literally yelling into his ear, "We know who you are! We have you on video from a couple of years ago! You're going downtown, boy!" Uh, WHAT?!

I tell my son and his friend to follow me - we're going to go see what the problem is and I want them around to tell me what happened. Being the mom that I am (actually all my son's friends except S are afraid of me because I'll do something like what you're about to read!), I stomp right up to the cops.
"Ma'am, you need to leave the scene, we're arresting a threat to the community."  
Oh, really? Your "threat" is bawling.
"Ma'am, this is really none of your business. We're going to have to ask you to return to your home before things get out of hand."  
Looks like things are very out of hand right now. How about telling me why this child is handcuffed and being held on your hood by his hair? (OK, not so eloquent, huh? But I'm so pissed I'm shaking.) You had better have a damn good reason for searching him, too. I don't see his parents anywhere.
"Lady, you're going to have to leave right now, or we'll arrest you for obstructing justice."
Hmm... I think you need to re-read the laws that you are supposed to be upholding. First, you're searching a minor without his or his parents' consent and he hasn't threatened anyone. Next, I saw how rough you were with this child and I believe that, since he did not threaten you, that is considered child abuse. Finally, he's allowed to have those fireworks - he's 14 and that the legal age for them.What 'justice' are you speaking of? (Yeah, not word-for-word. This sounds much better than what came out of my mouth - there were a bunch of "um's" and "errrr's". I just got really nervous because I've NEVER been arrested or even given a ticket before! My husband would have the kids eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch, & dinner!)

<Insert Lots of Hemming and Hawing HERE (the cops, not me!)>

To make a very long story just a teensy bit shorter:
They put S into my custody. Ha! Sounds all official and everything, but they can't do that! They don't know me - didn't even ask my name. Why not pick up some kid walking down the street and put him into the custody of some guy walking down the street? Would you feel comfortable with that if S were your kid? They did this official-sounding thing because they realized that just acting authoritative and sounding official doesn't always work when a citizen knows the law. I've taken more classes on students' and minors' rights in the past year for a degree in education that I know what's what (most of the time!)

So, after a long talk with all three of the boys about:
1) How I think it's wrong that they repeatedly pick on S due to one incident (they've done this to him about 6-7 times since the "incident" and he says he's not been doing anything wrong - I believe him and I'm a pretty good lie detector), and that this is the best way to teach someone to hate the authorities rather than respect them. In fact, there will sadly probably come a time when S decides that he may as well do all of the things that he's suspected of doing.
2) It is important to know your rights - inside and out.

3) Even if you're under 18, it doesn't mean that you do not have rights. In fact, many times, you have more rights!


We decided to go downtown yesterday to visit City Hall, where the public law library is housed. The librarian wouldn't let us in! She said that it was only for lawyers and kids weren't allowed anyway. Yeah, used my mom look and voice and told her the definition of "public library" then threatened to find her boss. We were in like flint, ya know?! Now, I know nothing about looking up laws, so we just browsed. Each of the kids found something of interest to them over and over. I kept hearing, "Hey, guess what - Mr. Brown was wrong when he said it was against the law to..." And, "Come here and look at this one! You can't marry your ex-step-mom in Michigan! ... Ew! Who'd want to do THAT?!" They re-shelved the books properly and kept their talking to a whisper. They had fun and learned some stuff. They found out that they can reserve books from any public library in our state, written just for kids their age about how the law pertains to them, and have them delivered to our local library. And, I think that, with a little guidance, these guys will learn how to stand up for their rights without being cocky about it (which can cause more trouble than it's worth!)

I want my kids to grow up respecting the law and those who uphold it and try to ensure that justice is served. It makes me angry that there are still people out there, in uniform, that feel that their badge and gun means that they can make up the law as they go along. I've heard more than one story about similar incidents occurring, where an authoritative tone of voice and self-assurance has meant more than the actual law around here. I haven't seen it close up until a couple of days ago. Hopefully, I can keep my son and his friends out of trouble by teaching them right from wrong and how to endure they understand their own rights. I worry about S and whether he's already decided against being "good".

What's the Smart Summer Challenge? Check it out!
Check it out on Facebook,  teachmama.com , we teach,  PinkAndGreenMama, 

and NaturallyEducational.com

Or, read my introductory post about it HERE.