Making Time for Me {Mindful Parenting Collaboration #5}

If you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

My post last week threw some readers for a loop. I received some private correspondence via my contact form that went from someone telling me what a terrible person I am all the way to someone sharing a story very close to mine that occurred on New Year's Day, too. I received reprimands, congratulations, and pats on the back. I know that what I told you about my lovely explosive reaction to being out of milk was pretty extreme. It was the result of self-neglect and holding everything in for a very long time. Just like the bottles of champagne that many people had shaken up just before midnight the night before, I blew my cork.

I am not proud of what happened. I probably would have not shared it here if the topic had been anything else! I apologized to my family. I felt guilty about my outburst for days. I even had nightmares about it. It took me a while to realize the root of the problem. I shared the experience here because I wanted you to know what could happen when we don't take care of ourselves as individuals. Taking care of our families is important, but we really can't be the best parent or partner if we neglect ourselves.

Below, I've shared some of the things I did over the past week to take care of myself, both mentally and physically.

Friday

Just after dinner, I left the dirty dishes in the sink. I told hubby that he was in charge of Little Guy - I was taking a bath. Soaked for an hour AND read a magazine. Actually shaved! THEN, took a shower, too. OMG! It felt so good to have that time to myself. I don't think it was the shower so much as the quiet and space to think. Yes, it felt over-indulgent, but the little bit of guilt was worth it.

Saturday

I won a $25 Gift Card to Sears recently. I had planned on using it to buy something we needed: a new toaster, for instance. Then I realized that I could use it at K Mart, too. You know what I did? I spent most of it on myself! I literally haven't had new underwear since BEFORE I got pregnant with Little Guy. Every pair O owned was either full of holes, stretched out, or totally unraveling. I bought 6 new pairs! (Came home and relegated the old ones to the rag pile!) I also got myself a new razor - the one I used last night was rusty and dull. I bought two brand new washcloths for just me. They're bright pink so no one forgets! I'm tired of hubby and oldest using a new washcloth every time they wash some part of their body, leaving me none. I bought a bottle of nail polish, too. This is another thing I haven't had since before I got preggo. I plan to use it, too! Oh, and I got an address book and a planner for my blog.  I really wanted a separate address book to keep track of my invisible friends in the computer. And, though I have a wall calendar where I keep track of my blogging, I really wanted a small book-type planner that I could carry around with me to keep ideas and plans as they come to me - lest I forget.

I did but some household stuff, too. Mainly toilet paper and cat food - things we always need. This, too, felt indulgent. I was very close to pulling my cart out of the check-out lane to put most of it back and get that toaster and maybe a family game, but then it was my turn to pay. I'm so glad I bought the stuff. I can't tell you how nice it feels to know I have pretty undies on! And I can't wait to give myself a mani/pedi.

Sunday

Didn't do much of anything specifically for myself, although I did use all of nap time to write blog posts and I spent a few hours after he went to bed reading and commenting on others' blog posts and entering giveaways.

Monday

My husband and oldest took Little Guy out for an "explorer adventure" in the woods. They had planned to be gone for just an hour or so. They ended up gone for 2 1/2 hours! I took the time to wash the dishes (without a 3 y.o.'s "help") and do some baking. I even got to wear headphones and listen to music because I didn't have to keep an ear open to listen for crashes or the eerie silence of sneakiness. And, when they got home, there were freshly baked cookies greeting them! (BONUS: The extra-long walk tired out Little Guy enough to knock him out for a 2-hour nap!)

Tuesday

This was they day that we went on a nature walk and made our terrariums. Both of these events had a little in store for me as well as Little Guy. The walk was great because the area is open enough and safe enough foe him to run wild without me having to reel him in closer to me. I had a chance to enjoy being outside and was able to take extra time to look closely at the trees, watch wildlife, and take photos. And, making the terrariums was a lot of fun, too. I was able to release some pent-up creativity while also doing a project with Little Guy. I did not have to go out of my way today to find a way to get some isolated "me time" in.

Wednesday

Just not a good day. No time for myself and no time for much of anything else. The only time I had to myself was when I headed into the bathroom and screamed into a towel. Hey - it was better than reliving the scene I made on New Year's Day and it helped me get through the rest of the day.

Little Guy was in an ornery mood and tried every way he could to get me to explode. Yes, he was really trying - after he would do something (like drop a toy car into his peed-in potty), he'd look at me to see if I'd notice. I am pretty sure he was just testing limits, but an entire day of his testing had me close to the edge. And I'm not kidding, it was as if he was brainstorming and testing - "If this didn't make mama yell, maybe this will..."

And hubby was no help at all. He came into the living room to give me a break. Little Guy decided to test him, too. Within 5 minutes, my husband decided he just couldn't take it anymore and hid in the bedroom. As he was scurrying away, he looked at me and said, "I just can't get him to listen to me and you won't make him do what I say!" I have a LOT to say about this, but not now. This post would turn into a HUGE rant and that's not what it's about.

And, yes, the oldest was in on "make mom lose her cool" day, too. It wasn't any one thing from him, just lots of little stuff. He dropped his school stuff in the middle of the kitchen floor and left it there - he knows where to put it and that's NOT the place. He stood in the kitchen, eating some candy someone gave him at school, making all of the "mmmm!" sounds - three feet away from Little Guy. When Little Guy asked for some, he popped the last piece in his mouth and told him it was all gone, tough luck. (Teasing drives me nuts, especially when someone his age is doing it. He should know better. But, I do know that whatever the disparity of their ages, sibling rivalry lives.) He complained about dinner not being done, but refused to keep an eye on his little brother so I could make it. Etc. Typical teen behavior that I can usually deal with calmly, but after the rest of the day, this was the cherry on top.

Thursday

This is the last day I'm keeping track of what I've done for myself. My oldest forgot to set his alarm clock, so he missed the bus to school. When Little Guy woke up, he snuck into our room and quietly put puzzles together with him while I SLEPT IN! Now, my oldest got into a little trouble because he knows that he was supposed to head downtown and jump on a city bus to go to school. He is also required to pay for his bus ride because he is the one responsible for setting the alarm. His excuse for not doing that was because he didn't want to spend the money. Boy, is he lucky he let Mom sleep until 11am!

Since he didn't do what he was supposed to regarding missing the bus, he became "Bidderman" (definition for a Bidderman is at the link, second from last paragraph. I highly recommend getting your own if you have a teen or tween.) for the day, which gave me time to do more baking and play around on the computer. I looked up some recipes for hulled barley and am really looking forward to making them. I also managed to create a grocery list and match up coupons to it without having Little Guy's "help", making the job last 10 minutes rather than an hour!

Everyday

• Meditation - Now, I've tried and tried to meditate and just couldn't. Too many thoughts running in and out of my head. Most started with, "Instead of this, I really should be doing..." Well, on Friday, I decided to give it a try again. I usually lay with Little Guy as he goes to sleep at night and watch an old movie or nature documentary with the sound off and closed captions on. I also list in my head all of the things I need to do. I decided to turn off the TV and just lay there, in the near-dark, thinking of... nothing. It took me some time to get all of those nagging thoughts out of my head. But, one-by-one, they flew out (through my ear?) I felt at peace. I floated on the bed. I was unconsciously smiling! Eventually, I got up and realized that I'd spent an entire hour, after Little Guy had passed out, just relaxing. I've done this every night since and I can't tell you how wonderful I feel. Some nights are harder than others to "find my bliss", but I'm getting the hang of it. It seems like my mind knows when that hour is up, too. So far, I haven't gone over or under it. 
• First cup of coffee by myself. 

I cannot believe the difference that taking a little time for myself has made in my mood and my responses to my family. Doing things for myself each day still makes me feel guilty, though. I keep thinking about what I should be doing instead. I think that I will eventually get over this little hiccup, though.

I want to take more time to be creative. I could have done so during some of the time I was given to do so, but I found out something: I can't think of what to do! Creating used to be so natural. I'd pick up a pencil and doodle a little something. Pretty soon, I had a page covered. Then, I was coloring it in. As I created, I'd get a great idea for painting or drawing a more permanent form of my doodle and off I'd go. Now, when I start to doodle, all I seem to draw are monster trucks and trains. I have a couple of items that I really want to make, but I'm just sitting here, waiting for some inspiration. I might have to give myself a jump start by forcing the issue at first...

I never did get around to doing my nails. Oh, well. There's always next week, right?

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Forgive and Forget? {Mindful Parenting Collaboration}

First, if you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

Once again, I'm way behind! This time, though, it's not been because I've been too busy. No, I've spent quite a bit of time just sitting here, staring at an empty screen. I just don't know what to wrote about forgiveness. It's a HUGE word with a ton of meaning.

There have been many instances in my life where I've had to forgive. I think that's true for everyone. No one goes through life with no one doing something to them - even if it's a tiny little thing. I've had some pretty big problems with people. Sometimes I've been embarrassed, other times I've been hurt. Sometime during my 20's I realized that forgiving those things is the best way to go. Stewing in anger or trying to figure out how to get back at someone only causes stress and an overall bad temperament. Even if you let the issue drop on the outside, but harbor bad feelings inside, it can eat you alive. Letting go is so freeing!

So, "forgive and forget" became my motto. It worked so very well for quite a while. I could easily forgive - even when someone did something mean and nasty on purpose. I just felt sorry for them. I mean, how terrible must one's life be that they feel they must make someone else miserable? But, I learned that the forget part isn't all that great. I've been burnt by the same person for the same reasons repeatedly. There's a line you just have to draw to protect yourself from further abuse.

This is where I have a problem. I look at forgiveness as completely dropping the whole incident. I can't put a relationship straight unless I can start anew with the person. Constantly being on guard against another wave of trouble hampers that relationship. I'm looking inside and trying to figure out how I can do this. It's not easy and I'd love anyone who has figured it out to PLEASE help me! (I'm not talking about silly little things. I can get over those. It's the big ones that rock my life, and sometimes mu family's, that I'm talking about here.)

Now, let's turn to me. I have worked hard to learn how to forgive myself for the stupid mistakes I've made. I used to just treat myself like crap because I didn't think I was good enough for the blessings I had. Then, I realized that those mistakes were important to create who I am now. First, I have learned from them. I know better to do the same stupid junk again. I think that, if I can say I've learned something, then the mistake was probably worth it. Next, I realized that you can't go back and change things. No matter how much guilt I laid upon myself, I could never, ever change the things that happened. If I can't change it, I have to let it go. Guilt can make one feel the way I did - worthless and undeserving. Finally, there are a couple of things that I won't let me forgive myself for. Yep - I said it. I'm not going to tell you what they are, but they're not pretty. I'm waiting patiently until I can right those wrongs. Until then, I just cannot let these go. I will try to fix them, or at least do my best to do so. But until that time arrives, they'll stay in my heart.

I also want to tell you that I think that showing forgiveness is the best way to teach my children how to do the same. I don't want them growing up and carrying guilt around. We talk about hypothetical situations in which their decisions could hurt or help someone. We talk about things that have happened to them that are causing sadness and anger, then we figure out how to forgive. When I make a mistake, I admit it to them. I'm not to pompous and stubborn to make them believe that I'm perfect. Showing them that I'm sorry (not just saying it!) helps them let go and forgive me for screwing up.

Lastly, I need to share the whole "I'm Sorry" thing. I don't make my kids apologize for things. They do it on their own. In this house, "I'm sorry" means "I screwed up and learned from it. I will try my best not to make the same mistake again." I think that children who are forced to apologize without really knowing why and then let off the hook learn that those two magic words erase all wrongdoing. The problem is they don't learn the part about not doing it again. I was raised this way and so was my husband. I learned the difference. He is still learning. When he says "I'm sorry" to me, it is just words. I tell him so. I remind him that he has to show me he's sorry because the words aren't an eraser.

If you've written a post on forgiveness, please add it here. It does not have to be a new post. This is a collaboration and all aspects are welcome. We can learn from each other and help one another on this journey toward more mindful parenting!

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Mindful Parenting Collaboration - Topic 2: Forgiveness

First, if you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

Yeah. So the plan was to post every Friday, but as you can see, that's just not happening. Life seems to have "interfered" with blogging. I can easily forgive myself for this because, as one who is striving to be a more mindful parent, I feel that taking the time to pay more attention to my children and husband is the first priority. There are a million things that I must forgive myself for in my past, though. Some I will be able to work through. But others I'm not so sure about. They are VERY BIG things that may take me until my dying day to feel OK with - if I can do so at all. 

If you head on over to Erin's post about the topic of forgiveness at it's OK, you'll find a very in-depth look at what Topic 2 is all about. Here is an excerpt, but I urge you to read her entire post:

"Our second topic in the Mindful Parenting Collaboration is Forgiveness. If you practiced ten minutes a day of inner work for topic one, guess what? It's not time to stop. In fact, to live and parent mindfully, daily inner work is an important thing to strive for until it becomes a natural habit. For the next two weeks we challenge you to focus your inner work on Forgiveness."

"This week, make a list of things you need to let go of. Choose something to focus on releasing. Whatever type of inner work you prefer, focus on this release as you do it this week. You might want to write about it and link up next week. Or you might find that this topic is personal and best kept to yourself. Either way, join us and do some letting go!"

Though I am late in posting, I have been thinking things over. I tend to look on myself as a very forgiving person but, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if that's true. If someone does something against me or a loved one, I may not outwardly say, "I hate that person", but I will separate myself from them. No more contact, I might think of them from time to time, but I don't really worry about them. I think these might be grudges that I need to let go of. I have some major problems with my husband and some things he did in the past. I cannot trust him 100% and, if I can't trust him, how can I give him my entire heart? I need to work on forgiving him. Finally, there's me. As I said, there are some things that I cannot let go of. There are others that will take time, but with some work, I can forgive myself for. 

So, although it's in my head, I need to make an actual list of all of the forgiving I need to do. Having a visual reminder will help me keep on this, rather than "forgetting" and then not getting around to it. Keep on the look out for my follow-up post on Friday (hopefully!!!) to see how I've done.

If you've written a post on forgiveness, please add it here. It does not have to be a new post. This is a collaboration and all aspects are welcome. We can learn from each other and help one another on this journey toward more mindful parenting!