OH, What a Day It's Been!

Yesterday was a blissful day filled with peace. When Little Guy awoke, he sat up, stretched, and said, "A new day!" Made me smile to hear him say that because when I wake up, I usually say it to myself, in my mind. He must have made up his mind then and there to try his hardest to be "nice" to everyone. (We use "nice", "mean", "happy", etc. to describe how we're feeling and acting around here - I avoid "good" and "bad" as much a possible.) He was nice! He didn't whine or cry a split second after he realized we weren't going to do things his way. Instead, he would say, "Stop, stop, stop! I have to talk now. I want ____ because ___." And, we listened. Sometimes, he ended up getting what he wanted, other times we were able to explain calmly and rationally why he couldn't have what he wanted. He'd be sad or angry for a minute or two (and he told us this), so we'd try to help him cope with those feelings. Then, we'd move on.

There was no yelling, throwing toys, hitting, or deliberately doing the exact opposite of what we asked or what he knew to be one of our steadfast rules.All of those are things that usually occur on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis around here. When I suggested that he might like to lay down to rest, he hopped into bed. At dinnertime, he told me how yummy the bread was. He kept his toys cleaned up without me even asking him. When he laid down in bed that night - ON HIS OWN - to go to sleep, I started to wonder what happened to my kid. Did he switch personalities with some other kid? Were there parents somewhere wondering why their normally easy-going and docile child had acted like a little nut all day?

Then today happened and I know that he didn't have a major shift in personalities. I woke up when he jabbed my closed eyes with his fingers. Before I could even sit up, he was jumping on the bed and demanding that I make him some tea, "NOW, MAMA!" Well, at least I knew better than to count on yesterday's behavior coming back again today, right?

But, you see, today has been quite awful and has put me to the test. I think that all of the orneriness that he didn't release yesterday built up and just popped a cork. It came pouring out today. Now, usually he drinks his tea and I drink my coffee first thing in the morning while we talk about our plans for the day. I'll make a list of what needs to be done and he'll come up with the fun ideas. My stuff consists of cleaning and cooking, his has things like "Do a project with paint" and "Go to the library". Well, today's list was a little different. His plans went like this:

• I not goin' to listen to anybody
• I goin' to make a mess
• I not clean my toys
• I throw cars
• I goin' to be loud
• I throw my food on floor and smash it
• I goin' to head-bup [head-butt] and bite Brubber

It goes on and on - he pretty much listed everything that he could possibly think of that we do not like him doing.I diligently wrote his list out for him and then we went over it and I asked him why he wanted to do each thing. We really couldn't come up with answers. I thought maybe he'd had a bad dream and woke up angry or upset, but his dreams sounded like good ones to me.

Now, one of the things about our lists is we get to cross things off as we do them. And I really didn't know what to do with this list he had made. We weren't going to keep it! I asked him if maybe we could make a new list of fun things to do and he agreed. So we got rid of the old one and made a more normal list. Well, I might have thrown out the written list, but he had it in his head and crossed out every one of his plans before lunch. He's finally taking a nap and I am hoping he'll wake up in a much better mood. I don't know if I can stand an entire evening with this mess. Evenings are usually his worst behavioral times anyway, so I'm pretty creeped out by the thoughts of his determination to be a monster boy added to an already nasty time of the day...

I can't help but wonder if he's conducting an experiment. Maybe he's planned it all out: One day be nice, the next day be mean. Maybe he'll be an amazingly happy kid tomorrow? I can't see it happening in a child so young, but he's never been typical in his thinking. Only time will tell...

And, when he wakes from his nap, I'm filling him up with some chamomile and peppermint tea. It's worth a try to get him relaxed right away!

Mindful Parenting Collaboration - Topic 5: Take Care of YOU!

If you’re reading this, you might have the feeling that you want to change some of your parenting practices or, perhaps, you're curious about “mindful parenting” and what it could be. Well, congratulations for taking a moment from your day to click on the link. Erin of it’s OK and I are going to be working together over the next 40 weeks (!) on a journey toward more mindful parenting and would love to have you join us. To learn how we envision The Mindful Parenting Collaboration working, please read the introductory post HERE.

Now, here's a topic that I can't stand to deal with. Yes, I know. This is one of those pieces of advice that everyone gives, yet no one seems to actually take. How in the world am I supposed to find time to do what I want when I have to take care of all of these people and make sure the house is clean, too?! Wanting to do my own thing just feels too... indulgent. Until recently.

You see, I've been becoming increasingly resentful toward my husband and sons. They constantly ask me for things, even expect them to be done, and I don't get much reciprocity in return. Christmas was the breaking point for me. I had so looked forward to the holiday. Planned lots of fun things to do, had high hopes for getting a chance to bake and craft, and wanted this to just be a great time of excitement for the kids. But it was all a struggle. Now, I'm not going to say I took on too much or expected too much from everyone. I asked my husband and oldest to PLEASE take turns hanging out with Little Guy for one hour a day so I could do my own thing, which was essentially to "make" Christmas for them. It worked for about a week, then they were too busy (watching TV, eating, and playing games on the computer) to help. "Why don't you just wait until he's taking a nap?" And the resentment wasn't just aimed at my ungrateful hubby and teen. Little Guy, who loved helping me in the kitchen just a few weeks earlier, decided that he was bored with it all and preferred to run like a heathen through the kitchen, grabbing everything he could reach and throwing down the stairs. So, yes, I was not too keen on his "help", either.

All of this resentment came to a head on New Year's Day. I woke up in a great mood. New year, new outlook, let's start fresh, blah, blah, blah... My oldest woke up and very snottily informed me that we were out of milk, as if it was MY fault and MY sole responsibility to get more. Little Guy, upon hearing of the milk situation, demanded warm milk and honey to drink. The demands became ear-piercing screams because my oldest (who is very lucky I didn't decide that my no-spanking policy was shit) was holding the empty milk jug in Little Guy's face, saying in a cheeky tone, "What's wrong with you? Are you STUPID? There IS no milk! Mom didn't get us any!" That's when hubby came out. "Will you guys keep it down? I can't hear the TV." He decided to go take a shower (which I hadn't gotten a chance to take in a week, by the way, because no one would hang out with Little Guy - he needs to be paid attention to while he's sleeping, too, because he tends to wake up and be very stealthy!)

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! 

I AM SO GODDAMN SICK AND TIRED OF 

YOU PEOPLE BEING HELPLESS IDIOTS. 

OLDEST - GO TO THE F***ING STORE AND 

BUY SOME F***ING MILK!!! 

LITTLE GUY, JUST F***ING DEAL WITH 

THE FACT THAT THERE'S NO MILK. 

AND, HUBBY, IF EVEN ONE DROP OF WATER 

TOUCHES YOUR BODY BEFORE I GET A SHOWER,

YOU'LL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE -

WHICH WILL NOT BE VERY LONG!!!!!"

You could hear a pin drop. They all stared blankly at me. I pointed at my oldest and he RAN into the bedroom to change his clothes for his trip to the store. My husband jumped at the teen's movement and ran to pick up Little Guy. He got him some hot tea to satisfy him until the milk showed up. Little Guy did the best thing of the three of them: He ran over and gave me a big hug and said, "Sorry, Mama." I took my shower and felt 100% better... physically. I apologized to my family and they all looked at the floor guiltily. They "got" why I flipped out.

Now, I told you this because this could happen to you if you do not take time for yourself. You can become burned out, miserable, resentful, and may even begin to wonder if you really want to be "mommy" and "honey" to these people you live with. You slowly forget who you are, what you want out of life, what makes you happy. You're there to please others. Period.

So, this week, I suggest you try to remember who you were before hubby and the kids. What did you expect you'd be doing at your age? What kind of things do you enjoy doing? Do not make a list of things that you need/want to do around the house. It doesn't count. Make a dream list. Next, see if any of those things on your list could be modified to fit into your life right now. I expected to be an artist. While I have neither the money for supplies, nor the time to devote to this, I can take a little time each week to just create... Pinterest, here I come! Next, make yourself a list of realistic things you'd like for yourself. These could be as simple as "Take an hour-long bath." or "Give myself a pedicure." Nothing that takes a huge amount of time or money. Do one each day. Yes - each day.

Love on yourself. If it makes you feel guilty, think of it this way: You want to be a mindful parent, right? In order to be a mindful of others, you need to practice on yourself. I was angry at my family. Looking back to the weeks before my New Year's Day Fireworks, I was not treating my family mindfully. Heck, I was not treating them well at all. I did all the things I was supposed to do, but there was no smile on my face or love in my heart while I was doing them. I fought for every second of time to be able to do those things and, by the time I actually got that time, I was ticked off at my family.

This week, I will make sure to take time for me. Creatively, physically, and emotionally. In fact, I've already started tonight. But, I'll wait until next week to tell you about it!

I'd like to invite you to link any posts you have written on the topic of being mindful of yourself in the linky below. I'd love to hear your ideas and thoughts on this subject. I really need all the help I can get - I do not ever want to feel that way I did about the most important people in the world, nor do I want them to ever witness the explosion from me the way they did first thing in the morning on the first day of 2012!

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Tantrums Are on the Rise (Again...)

I just read Mummy in Provence's post for Stream of Consciousness Sunday, titled: Toddler Tantrums.   about her 18-month-old daughter's tantrums. I started to write a reply, then realized it was so long that I may as well turn it into a post. This is in response to her question:

"Any tips on how to cope with these Toddler Tantrums?"

Here's my response:

Little Guy's tantrums have been steadily increasing since they started, when he was around 18 months old. Nowadays, a "good" day is when he only has three or four. There are days when he'll have four in an hour! I attribute them to his increasing independence. He gets frustrated when he can't do something (whether he's not allowed or incapable - it doesn't matter which.) I also noticed that growth spurts can lead to more tantrums, too. Between being hungrier and more tired, plus he's probably a little achy from growing pains, he gets extra-crabby.

Sometimes he will throw a tantrum because he cannot have something he wants, but knows that it is impossible for me to even give him. Yesterday, he wanted to watch Thomas and Friends... on TV, not the DVD's we have. Thomas was not on TV at that time, so I told him that we would have to watch a DVD if he wanted to see the show. This led to a ONE-HOUR TANTRUM - I kid you not. A couple of days ago, he wanted to go to the library at 10pm. He is well aware of the fact that the library is only open in the daytime, when it's light outside. It's as if he's asking for the impossible just so he can let loose with his emotions. It drives me nuts and I often find myself taking it personally. I need to walk out of the room, cover my ears, and count to 10, 50, even 100 just to keep my cool.

The good news is, the more he is able to effectively communicate with words, the shorter the regular tantrums have become. I started to ask him to talk to me from the time his vocabulary suddenly had a growth spurt, around 2 years old. My mantra has been "I can't understand you when you cry or whine. Please use words to tell me the problem." If he is too upset to talk and I've given him enough time to feel that he's shown me how displeased he is, I'll ask him questions using vocabulary that he needs. "Are you feeling sad because you can't do ___?" And: "You must be very frustrated that the puzzle piece won't fit there." When he can tell me what the problem is, at least he knows his feelings have been validated.

I also communicate my own emotions to him. "I am becoming very angry because you are just screaming and crying and won't come talk to me." It lets him know that I can feel the same emotions as he does. It also makes me feel better to let off that little bit of steam. Just saying that I'm angry/frustrated/sad aloud makes ME feel that MY emotions have been validated!

I don't give in. This sounds mean, doesn't it? The thing is, with Little Guy, I've learned that giving in once means he'll try the tactic 1,000 more times. What I do is offer alternatives. I don't just give him one thing: "The library's closed. We'll go to the park instead." I don't give him an infinite number of choices: "The library's closed. What else would you like to do?" I give him two options: "The library's closed. Would you like to go to the park, or go for a walk?" He's back in control of the situation, yet he's not completely overwhelmed with choices.

Recently, he's started having tantrums that seem pointless. Today he had one because one of his Hot Wheels ran into another one. HUH?! He's the one in charge of the damn cars, and now he's sad because he made one car be mean to another? I quickly learned that the cars have absolutely nothing to do with these outbursts. About 95% of the time, I can stop him in mid-scream by offering a hug. "Wow, you must feel very sad about your Mercury Coupe getting hit by the Viper! Why don't you take a break from your cars? I'll bet you'd feel better if we laid down on the bed together and I gave you a bunch of big hugs." Sometimes he falls asleep, ans sometimes he's back in action and feeling happy in a few minutes.

Sometimes, there's absolutely nothing I can do. He just gets himself so upset that anything I say or do just feeds the fire. That's when I feel some big mama anger bubbling up. I need to step out of the situation, and fast. I'll gently set him on the bed and let him scream, hit, kick, etc. I will tell him once or twice to let me know when he's done so we can talk or hug. Then, I have to mentally take myself out of the situation. I'll watch TV - any show! - with Closed Captioning on and really pay attention to it. Sometimes I head to Facebook or enter a couple of giveaways. Anything to keep my mind occupied. I'm always in the same room with him to make sure he stays safe and to be here for him when he's ready.

Finally, I don't hold a grudge or act superior. I'll never rub his nose in the fact that he did all of that screaming for nothing because he didn't get his way. I won't act angry with him after he's finished all the yelling. I never bring the subject up again, as in "Remember the last time you wanted to ___ and I said 'No'? You freaked out and cried and screamed." It just reminds him of a bad time he had and tells him that I might still be angry about it because I remember it. I'm working on getting my husband and oldest to avoid these things, too. When they do it to Little Guy, I can really see how badly he feels about himself. Who would want to make a little one feel sad and ashamed? Why would a parent ever want their child to feel as if they didn't love their son or daughter as much just because of an emotional outburst?

Now, I'm no expert on the subject of tantrums. My oldest had less than FIVE tantrums - ever. When people used to complain about their kids' tantrums, I'd be secretly rolling my eyes at them. Now that I'm in over my head with them, I understand. I also know that it's important to listen to other parents' solutions to the question of how to deal with them. I sometimes wonder if I'm raising a bratty little boy and it scares me that he could grow into a nasty adult. So, now it's MY turn to ask:

Do you have any tips on how to deal with tantrums?

Finally Caved and Made Cake Ball Thingies

A few weeks ago, Little Guy  got a monkey on his back. We were at the farmer's market, taking in the sights of all of the healthy fresh produced heaped high on all of the vendors' tables. He's point to something and I'd tell him what it was. Sometimes, he was asked to help me pick out which bunch of carrots or basket of apples we should get. At one point, he ran ahead of me as I was paying for eggs. I caught up with him to find him chewing on something. Oh no! What is he eating and how much do I owe?

There were two very sweet-looking ladies behind the table he had stopped in front of. One spoke up, "Oh, it's OK. He's just tasting a sample of our cake balls." As he finished his mouthful, he went in for seconds. The other "sweet" lady took the plate from the table and told him that his Mommy would have to buy some cake balls for him if he wanted more. You can imagine the carnage that came after I found that one dozen quarter-size cake balls would set me back FOUR DOLLARS! I just don't have that kind of money, not even for a splurge. We left with me hauling two very heavy bags of produce on one shoulder and a kicking and screaming 30 lb. kid under one arm. (I did hear someone mention how mean it was of those ladies to do that to me and Little Guy. Yeah!)

Well, he's been talking about those things ever since that day. Often, upon waking up in the morning, presumably from a dream, demanding I give him the cake balls that he knows I have hidden somewhere in the kitchen. When I tell him (repeatedly) that there are none, we end up in the middle of a first-thing-in-the-morning, before mommy has her coffee, full-on tantrum. So I decided that since hubby's birthday was on Monday and we needed to make a cake anyway, I'd so a single layer for him and we'd use the other layer to try our hand at making these cake thingies.

I checked out a few posts from other bloggers to see how the whole process worked. I basically found the following: 1) They're super-easy to make. 2) You basically crumble the cake, mix with frosting, roll into balls, then dip them into melted baking chips. EASY!!! I figured there must be a catch. I asked on my Facebook page for tips from those who
've already done these things and Lisa, Baking Momma of Two, was the only one to speak up. She directed me to a post she had written when she decided to make (really cute) Spring Chick Cake Pops. The basic directions on her post were the same as I wrote above. But she also described some of the problems she encountered and how she got around it (or would now that she knows better.) Things like the dipped cake balls looking pretty ugly (a second coat fixes this!) You don't want to buy the "super moist" cake mix (this tip had me over-bake the cake a little to get rid of the extra moisture.) She mentioned how messy making the cake into crumbs was, so I was able to elicit the help of Little Guy (payment came in the form of not complaining when he to big bites out of the cake!) Oh - here's a good one that I'd probably have tried if she hadn't done so first: Don't attempt to use plastic candy molds to make shaped cake. Don't try to get too fancy with the decorating - it's harder than you think. Apparently, you need to work fast to get all of the decorations on before the melted baking chips harden. (Lisa made her own mini baking chips in the colors she needed! I'd have probably left the chicks beak-less!) And, finally, it take a LOT of time to make these things. That is one that I just didn't believe enough - I put the finishing touches on mine at 10:20pm - three hours after I started dipping them into melted chocolate. This does not account for the time spent making the cake, making crumbs & icing, and rolling it into balls.

So, here's my journey in pictures. I really love how they turned out. These won't be made on a regular basis (cupcakes are SO MUCH EASIER!), but they're great for special occasions. Oh, and the $4 price tag was nuts - even with the time I put in on these, there's no way that each one is worth $0.33 each!

Making Crumbs

Over-baked Cake

Naked Balls (!)

Helping Clean the Icing Bowl

UGLY! I began to despair at this moment. It was my first layer.

Looking better after the butterscotch layer went on!

Yes! The dark chocolate covered up all of the mistakes!

We used leftover melted chips to decorate Hubby's cake. (Like my last-minute candle fix?!)

Little Guy knows that, now that we've sung "Happy Birthday", he can sample some cake balls!!!

Have you made these things? How did they turn out? Have any tips to add for next time? Little Guy's birthday is just 2 weeks away and I'm going to make more, so any help would be welcome!

Fun Outside Before Nap Time

We've had some truly beautiful weather the last few days. Really - it's been around 80°F, partly cloudy, nice and breezy... just perfect for hanging around outside. We've been going for long walks, heading to the park to play, having picnics by the river, gardening... just everything you could imagine. However, when it gets close to nap time, I don't like to be too far from home. If Little Guy is late on his nap, all hell breaks loose in the form of screaming and kicking tantrums over things like waiting to cross the street because a car is coming. He just completely loses it when he's tired. I also don't want him getting too messy (gardening) because that means he'll have to get cleaned up before he heads to bed. Quick showers do not exist in his world. He loves showering and will stay in there for however long we'll let him. Quick rinses lead to the same kicking and screaming tantrums as the over-tiredness does. SO, what do we do when the weather's beautiful and nap time is near?

We "Build" Roads!

I grab a book or some sewing, he grabs ten cars, and we head out to the patio. We draw the roads, train tracks, grass, and water. It takes no more than ten minutes to do the drawing. Sometimes, we find some sticks, stones, grass, etc. and add make buildings, fields, etc. It all depends on how much time we have. Once the roads are finished, I can sit back and enjoy being outside. Little Guy spends some down-time with his vehicles. And, we don't miss one second of the weather!

He's got John Lennon playing through the headphones. We have a playlist on my MP3 for his sleepy-time music. It's so funny to hear him belt out a line or two now and then!

Had to add some dirt for the digger trucks!

What do you do for some quiet fun outside before nap time?

I'd love some more ideas!

Nice Young Men in Their Clean White Coats...

So, yeah, it's been kinda weird around here lately. And this is the song that is on constant replay in my head - from the time I wake up until I finally manage to fall asleep. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. No, a hair. I really don't know why - that's the really strange thing about it. If you've been keeping up on my Intimacy Experiment posts, things are going well there. LOL - No, not just in the bedroom! All around OK - we're talking very openly about everything. Even when what is said could potentially hurt the other person, it's all taken in stride. It's so important that we are able to get everything out into the open and then work on it from there. So, like I said, the flip-out thing isn't coming from that part of my life.

Little Guy is becoming more and more challenging. He's not like other kids, at least not the ones I have known. He's really confident and that can cause a ton of problems. He is great at helping out because he loves doing the things he sees everyone else doing. Problem is, he tries doing these things on his own. Dangerous things. Today, for instance, he was outside with my husband. They were fixing something and Little Guy was given a screwdriver and a wooden mallet to use. He was very serious about his job and worked hard. My husband turned around to grab a few more nails and when he turned back, Little Guy was GONE!

He was found heading through the woods behind the house (the grass is 1/2 foot taller than him!) We found out he was on his way to the library. He knows the way and must have figured he was capable of going there on his own. Understandable from his point of view. Why couldn't he go? He knows how to look both ways for cars and all that stuff. When he learned that we weren't going to let him traipse off to the library on his own, he had a tantrum. The only words my husband got out were, "You need to wait for me or Mommy to go to the library," before the tantrum started.

I don't give in to tantrums. I don't punish him when he has them. I merely try hugging him, talking to him quietly, or ignoring him - based on what he seems to need at the time. If he hugs back, it usually means he's tired and needs a nap or a rest time. If I talk quietly and he wants to hear what I have to say, he'll quiet down, too. He understands that, sometimes, we can discuss the disagreement and he might get his way - even partially (like, we can go to the library after we have a snack.) If he's being stubborn or insistent upon getting what he wants NOW without and compromise whatsoever, I have to resort to ignoring him. Every once in a while, I'll say, "I can't understand you when you're whining/crying/yelling." If he starts kicking or throwing things, I simply pick him up and move him to a safer location (the bed is great because he can jump his anger out and hit or throw the pillows all he wants!) For any tantrum, I keep my voice steady and a straight face the whole time.

It's not really working. You see, I thought that after a while, he would see that acting this way would not get him what he wanted. Sometimes the tantrums are out of his control - he's frustrated and just loses it. I get that. But the majority of the time, he's doing it to see what he can got out of it. He'll stop for a minute and, totally calm, say something like, "I want go library - NOW!" All I have to do is say anything but, "OK! Let's go!" and he starts the whole tantrum all over again. These thing last, on average, 20-30 minutes. And he's loud. And he sounds like he's being beaten. I'm waiting for the cops to knock on my door. Seriously.

It's a daily thing, usually we get three or more in a single day. I know how it started - hubby hates it when he cries. He doesn't want his kids to be sad or angry with him. Heck, I've seen his 23 year-old daughter pout and cry at him to get her way! (Ridiculous, I know!) I caught him "making deals" with Little Guy a few weeks ago. "If you help me pick up your cars, we'll have some ice cream! Is it a deal?" Oh. no. he. didn't...
So, I asked Hubby about it. You see, Little Guy's tantrums quadrupled about 6 weeks ago - the same time he started to hang out with Daddy for longer periods of time and on a regular basis. I suspected something might be up, but just wasn't sure what - until I overheard the ice cream thing. Here's what he said to me, "It works for me, so that's what I'm going to do. If I have to bribe him to do things or promise something fun in exchange for what he wants and it keeps him from crying or screaming, I'm doing it."



Anyway, it took until yesterday for my husband to admit his way was making our child become a spoiled brat. Don't get me wrong, he has his good moments, too, but it feels like my entire day consists of nothing but trying to get this kid to learn that he cannot have or do anything he wants. Now my husband thinks that maybe a smack on the butt will show him how to act. I laughed at him! No one is hitting anyone around here. No, wait a minute, Little Guy has been hitting. He hits Hubby, my oldest, and the cat. He likes getting a reaction out of them. He doesn't hit me because I calmly grab his hand, put it down to his side, and tell him that hitting hurts and it makes me angry and sad. End of story. They make a big deal out of it - either by getting angry or lecturing a 2.5 year-old who is ignoring them.  As soon as the anger dies down or they stop telling him all of the reasons that hitting is wrong, he does it again. It eventually ends up with Little Guy having a tantrum and either my oldest stomping out of the house or my husband saying that he can't take this anymore and leaving the room. Thanks guys. The cat usually just leaves - he's no idiot. But sometimes, he'll turn around and scratch Little Guy. Good. It always stops him in his tracks. I will usually ask him if he liked it when the kitty scratched him and explain that hitting hurts the kitty just as much. For some reason, he still hits him.

There are more things, but these show the major problems. I don't know what else to do. I talk to him to make sure he understands he's being heard. I explain in short and simple terms why he cannot get his way. I let him get his frustrations out. I try to figure out if he's hungry or tired or not feeling well. I've changed his diet. I'm at the end of my rope. I literally cannot keep this up.

In the morning, before I open my eyes, I swear I can hear the click-click-click of a roller coaster going up that first big hill. By the time I sit up, the roller coaster has taken the plunge. You know how you can't breathe in when the coaster first flies down the hill and those butterflies in your stomach are now in your throat and you can't even get out a good scream? It's fun once or twice on that one day a year that you go to the amusement park. I feel that from the time I sit up in bed until I manage to fall asleep at night. I know it's anxiety. I keep it at bay with an arsenal of teas, homeopathic medicines, and sheer willpower. But I am so afraid that I'm going to go into full panic attack mode and never come out of it. At least not without a lovely 72-hour "observation" stay at the local nut house. That just adds to the anxiety. What will happen to the kids if I end up losing it? Hubby just can't do it (No, I know this. If you've read some of my older posts, you understand why.) What if I lose it and we're at the park or the library? What if I lose it and I never get "it" back??? All of these questions (and more) just add to the anxiety.

I recently realized that I've been through a LOT of bad stuff. More than people could imagine. There is only one other person in the world who knows (most of) my life story and he finds it hard to believe that all this stuff has happened to me. But I've held it together well through everything. I might have cried, been scared, or flipped out for a second, but I kept it together and got by. And now tantrums are going to bring me down??? I don't think it's just that. I think that maybe my mind just needs a little vacation. A week or two of not worrying about everything. The question is: How do I get that? I seriously think that, if I don't get some kind of relief, I'm going to be heading to the funny farm.

(Oh, and I tried a psychologist. He referred me to a psychiatrist who suggested Xanax. I don't want to drug my problems - they need to be fixed the old fashioned way. I took some "chill pills" to get through cancer and death with my first husband and they made me careless about a lot of important things. I never even had a chance to grieve properly because the pills made it 'OK'.)

So, if you don't get anything but the sporadic posts that I've promised to write for a couple of companies, I'll still be around. I just need to chill out some.